whipping shitties
by moonvalentine32
Summary: Kakashi doesn't want to be Hokage. Sakura helps him try to pawn off the job. Naruto just thinks he's on vacation. [on hiatus]
1. notto disu shitto agen

"Ah, _shit."_

Kakashi would have smiled at Shikamaru if he'd been able to lift his head, or even turn it to get his mouth off the ground. Instead he managed a groan, most of which was muffled by grass and dirt.

"Sakura!" Shikamaru called, already exasperated. Most likely it was because Kakashi had interrupted one of several afternoon naps—if he remembered correctly, he'd crashed somewhere on the Nara compound.

"You've got to be kidding me." The sound of Sakura's voice brought both an instant relief and a dread that sank in his stomach…or maybe that was just a stab wound. In any case, she'd heal him but would send him straight to the hospital, and she knew he hated it there.

He heard a slight rustle in the grass as Sakura knelt by him then felt a tug at his shoulder as she rolled him onto his back. The afternoon sunlight hit his eyes, too harsh and bright, and they scrunched closed with a resulting groan of protest.

"Well, at least you're alive." Her hands worked fast, yanking his vest open and prying his sweater off his abdominal wounds, dried blood glueing fabric to the skin. Kakashi stifled a hiss as she pulled off one of the bigger patches—he was sure some skin had come off with that one. "Barely, I might add. Your chakra levels are so low it's a miracle you _aren't_ dead. No wonder we couldn't pick up your signature."

"Barely's something," he mumbled through a dry throat, knowing she wouldn't respond to it.

The sting of her chakra entered his system beneath the hand she placed between his chest and stomach. Not the most pleasant feeling in the world when she wasn't taking her time. He dared to crack an eye open, wincing before adjusting to the light, and saw Sakura hovering over him, focused on the wound he could feel just starting to mend at the edges.

In her medic mode, Sakura tended to close her eyes in concentration until a tiny line formed between her brows, right below her seal. He stared at it dazedly while she worked and noticed how the little diamond changed colors in the light.

"So," she started after a minute, and he realized he'd been about to fall asleep under her ministrations. "You wanna tell me what happened?"

Kakashi wanted to give her the old _it's confidential, Sakura-chan_ , but he didn't feel like incurring any anger while he was at her mercy. "Uh…ambush?"

A pink eyebrow arched speculatively at him. _"You_ got ambushed."

"Sure did."

She sighed sharply. "Well, with these injuries, I can't say I don't believe you." An eye opened to glance down toward his feet. "Don't tell me you ran all the way back here on a broken leg."

"Was it that rogue syndicate in Iwa again?" Shikamaru strolled over to stand beside Sakura, glancing down at Kakashi with mild interest. "I thought ANBU took care of that a few weeks back."

Well, if the kid already knew about it… "Yeah, I did too. Bad intel."

Shikamaru opened his mouth to respond, but Sakura scowled, hand in the air to stop him. There was a hollow snap as she pulled her chakra back and Kakashi jerked at the sensation. "Are you telling me you came all the way from _Iwa_ like this?"

"Maybe."

Her hand curled into a fist, then she mashed her palm against her forehead mumbling something that sounded uncannily like _motherfucker._

"Kakashi-sensei…" He could almost hear her teeth grinding. "You've lost so much blood that your heart is barely managing to beat. Your wounds are starting to get infected. You're beyond dehydrated, of course, and your bone is literally poking out of your leg." She glared at him so fiercely he almost started to sweat. "Shall I go on?"

"That won't be necessary." He creased his eyes into happy crescents, waiting for her to go on anyway. An angry Sakura was an unstoppable Sakura.

"How on earth have you managed to live this long? And how in the hell did you manage to deplete your chakra this much?" Sakura reached over to roll Kakashi's pants up to his knee; he jolted slightly when it grazed the broken part of his leg. _Shit,_ that hurt more than he'd thought it would. "The only person with bigger reserves than you is Naruto! A _jinchuuriki!_ " Talking more to herself than anyone, she firmly held his thigh down to steady it while she pulsed more chakra into his system, shaking her head all the while.

"What I still want to know is how you of all people got ambushed," Shikamaru chimed in.

"Well, when I realized what was happening, I tried to use my sharingan," Kakashi drawled, voice casual despite the searing pain of his bone snapping back together, "but then I remembered I don't have one anymore."

The two stared at him silently with dead eyes, Sakura's glowing hand hovering above his calf, and for a long moment the only sound was a deer bleating several yards away. He gave them another eye smile.

"Maybe I should just go ahead and kill him," Sakura muttered with a nod of approval from Shikamaru.

"I'll dig another grave. No one will find him out here."

Kakashi cleared his throat. "It wasn't that bad. Sasuke was there so we managed to wipe them out."

Sakura immediately perked at the mention of her teammate, her hand tightening minutely against his thigh. "Where is he now?"

"Uh, I don't really know," he confessed. The details were hazy.

"Was he hurt?"

That he did remember. "Yeah. Pretty severely. He'd been experimenting with his rinnegan before we were attacked, so it ate up a lot of his chakra." It was probably what alerted the rogue-nin to their presence, too, but he didn't feel like mentioning that. "I told him I could make it back on my own, so he went off on his merry way."

Shikamaru snorted. "Typical."

"He didn't want to come back here? Not even for medical care?" They both knew that if Sasuke was anything, it was meticulous with his physical health and strength, and he didn't like to leave injuries unattended…unlike some other ninja.

"Honestly, Sakura-chan, he's probably fine." His voice was growing weaker the longer he talked, bordering on a croak, and the chatting was tiring him out on top of everything else. "He just told me he'd get himself taken care of, and that was that."

If Kakashi really thought about it, he probably was headed to meet that Uzumaki girl, but he couldn't really be sure if they were still in touch. Sasuke wasn't exactly notorious for his loyalty.

Sakura, surprisingly enough, seemed satisfied with that answer. Perhaps she was thinking the same thing. Or it could be she was just glad Kakashi wasn't sugarcoating things like he used to.

"If he said he's fine, then I'm sure he's fine." She rolled down his pant leg more carefully this time. "At any rate, we need to get you to the hospital. Shikamaru?"

"No."

"You take him directly to the west wing on the third floor. I need to go tell Tsunade-shishou about this." Standing up, she brushed dirt off her knees and clothes. Kakashi noticed for the first time that she wasn't wearing her usual garb, but instead a green sundress now streaked with blood and dirt.

"Don't feel like it," Shikamaru said dismissively. "And besides, he got blood on my favorite deer. I'm morally obligated to not—"

"You've got ten minutes." And then she dashed off, visibly pissed from impatience.

There was a moment where the two simply stared at each other, wondering why the hell Sakura depended on the laziest two people in the world to get their shit together, before Shikamaru rolled his head around like he'd just woken up. Then he mumbled, "Pain in my ass," and leaned down to pick up Kakashi, heaving him over his shoulders with a few aggravated grunts.

"You know, we could just…not go." It was worth a try.

Shikamaru snorted again. "Yeah, and risk getting yelled at and nagged to no end? I'm good."

"You're not worried she'll beat you to smithereens?" Kakashi asked as he was readjusted into a piggybacking position.

"Getting hit is one thing 'cause even if it knocks your lights out, it's over in a few seconds. Sakura nagging, though? That could go on for weeks." He hitched the dead weight of the limp body higher onto his back. "Troublesome woman, I swear."

Kakashi gave a knowing chuckle. "Watch the leg."

"You'll live," Shikamaru replied, but loosened his grip anyway as they took off through the forest.

They passed a few groups of deer as they made their way off the grounds, and eventually they passed one being cleaned of blood by a member of the Nara staff, the suds on its back an ugly pink-brown. "Oh yeah, and you owe me for the deer. At least one afternoon volunteering at the academy or a B-rank mission. Your choice."

"Mah, be reasonable, Shika-kun. I needed a crutch. Have pity on an old man." Drowsiness and motion sickness had hit Kakashi full force, so the words came out in one long, mostly unintelligible syllable.

"You know, since we're of equal rank, there's something I feel like I can finally ask you."

"Which would be?" His arms were draped over Shikamaru's shoulders as limply as a ragdoll. The whole thing would be funny if he weren't still brutally sore all over.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're _fucking_ _ridiculous?"_

Kakashi felt his heavy eyes close and mumbled around a lazy smile, "Hate to break it to you, but you're not the first."

Shikamaru's humored _hmph_ was the last thing he heard before falling asleep, wind ruffling his hair.

 _._

 _._

 _._

Less than an hour later, he was feeling pretty close to brand new. A shower, clean sheets, and a little lime jello did wonders for the spirit. Some morphine wouldn't have hurt either, but he was already on thin ice for requesting an entire room to himself, so he decided to enjoy the silence he was afforded once the nurses left instead.

"Who in their right mind gave you _jello?"_

Well, it was nice while it lasted.

Sakura marched over to the bed, donning standard white scrubs and a medic's coat instead of her dirtied dress. She poked around at the drip bag and frowned at his innocent expression. "You're supposed to be on liquids only, sensei. Please don't tell me you bribed one of the nurses again."

"I can't help it if my incomparable charm and manners afford me the simple pleasures in life." He kept smiling as Sakura tried not to. The sight pleased him. Now that she was back in her element and the imminent threat of death had passed, her mood had improved significantly.

"Do those simple pleasures include giving me a heart attack on my day off?"

"Ooh, so that's why you were wearing a dress. Were you and Shikamaru on a date?" Kakashi tried to wiggle his eyebrows but barely managed with gauze taped to his forehead.

An unattractive scoff sounded as Sakura took his wrist to check his heart rate, her fingers glowing with gentle pulses of chakra. "I don't know if us having yakiniku with Chouji and playing shogi counts as a date." She tucked a piece of pink bangs behind her ear with her other hand. "Plus, I'm way out of his league."

"His dad probably would have paid you to marry him," Kakashi drawled, feeling sleepy again and far more comfortable. Sakura's presence in the hospital always relaxed him; she was the only one he really trusted to patch him back up anyway.

"Hmm…I think Temari's a pretty good candidate, don't you?" A smirk touched the corner of her mouth. "She'll whip him into shape better than I could. She's done it before, and she's a lot more patient than me."

"Can't argue with that," he said, the last word louder than intended since she sent a bolt of chakra down his wrist—not enough to do any damage, just to startle him and bite a little. Even when she used it against him, he couldn't help but be impressed with her chakra control.

"Case in point." Her smirk grew smug as she set his hand back on the bed and reached over to remove the bandage at his brow.

After it got quiet, he began again, voice slow. "So, why'd you come get me if it was your day off? Not that I'm not absolutely grateful for your help, of course," he added with an eye crease, hoping she wouldn't shock him again.

"You know, it's _kind_ of my responsibility to see what's going on when a frantic gardener runs around screaming about a dead old man on the Nara grounds." When she smoothed chakra over his forehead, he resisted the urge to wrinkle his nose at the tickling itch of the wound closing.

He sighed instead, feigning offense. "Must be the hair." Common mistake, he was aware.

"Or because you're old." The sing-song tone in her voice earned a deadpan look from Kakashi. Sakura's responding giggle was light and teasing, the same one she used to use with Naruto during training.

"You wound me."

She hummed thoughtfully, eyes sweeping over his arms. "Nah, but _someone_ did, and pretty badly too." Her hand went to his tricep to heal a long, shallow cut in seconds. "Can I sit you up for a second? I need to look at that big one near your right side."

Seeing as how he was rendered immobile, he didn't have much of a choice anyway, especially since she'd already pulled him up slowly to untie the first two strings at the back of his robe. He went completely stiff—no matter how many times she healed him like this, something always felt a little strange about it. Probably because he wore at least three layers at all times.

When she set him back against the pillows and bunched his robes around his stomach, he was aware for the first time that not only was the room an arctic temperature, but he was _completely_ naked beneath his gown and the thin sheets and blankets covering his lap. Except for the surgical mask, of course. And those socks with rubbery soles. But still.

Much to his relief, Sakura didn't seem to notice the goosebumps spreading over his chest and arms under the chilly hospital air, or the twitching tension in his abdomen when she set a steadying hand there to work on his injury. She was much more comfortable touching people than he was with physical contact, but to remind her would make it weird when it certainly didn't have to be. He focused on the strange lightness of having her chakra running through his system with his own, the knitting of skin and nerves and cells back to their regular state.

"Mind telling me exactly how you got this?" That line between her brows appeared again, directly under her seal, which his eyes were transfixed by as she focused. Under the florescent lights it looked pale blue and yellow at once.

"Like I said, false intel. I got set up. I had to take on…oh, if I had to estimate…two or three hundred missing-nin by myself. You know, the usual."

"That explains part of your chakra depletion, I suppose," she sighed, playing along with his casual tone, "and I'm guessing you used the rest to get home on a broken leg with a nearly-punctured liver?"

"You guess right," he chirped and threw in an eye smile for good measure. She shook her head and rolled her eyes.

"Only you would waste such humongous chakra reserves on avoiding a medical outpost."

She wasn't looking at his face, but he still pretended to pout. "Now, that's not fair, Sakura-chan. Maybe I just wanted to see my favorite team member instead."

Sakura pushed a bit more chakra into his side as she worked. "Flattery will get you nowhere," she mumbled, "especially if you're not alive to dole it out. You're lucky this didn't get severely infected, or that you didn't pass out in the middle of nowhere."

Perhaps mentioning the soldier pills he'd taken to shorten his trip wouldn't help anything. "Won't happen again. Cross my heart." He was too sore to make the motion, but if he had she probably would've smacked him.

The hand on his stomach pressed down more firmly in the midst of her focus. "Yeah, right. Now hush. I'm trying to reanimate your nerve tissue, which won't be very effective since you waited so long to get this healed."

It was silent for a few minutes, and there was little else Kakashi could do but notice the warmth of Sakura's hands and the tiny beads of sweat forming at her temples. He hadn't seen her or any of his team in months; any missions he'd received over the last year or two had been extended espionage-type deals to gather information on missing-nin, so he hadn't seen much of them since the assignments started. It almost felt like it did during their initial break when Naruto and Sasuke were both out of the village—Kakashi felt like he was missing out on so much, even more so now that they were all back in the same place.

It probably _did_ worry the hell out of Sakura, then, that he showed up on the brink of death after months without contact. Now he felt kind of bad for not putting his leg in a splint at the bare minimum.

He couldn't help but look on as she worked. One of her teeth sank into her bottom lip and her eyes were full of that sharpness she always had in action. Maybe it wasn't such a good thing that he was this familiar with her healing habits.

"Sorry," he murmured, and after a pause, she smiled softly with a slight glance up. They both knew what he was apologizing for.

"It's okay," and she patted his abdomen sweetly, because it was always okay with them. He liked that he never had to explain anything to her.

After a few more minutes, Kakashi's side was completely healed. As usual with Sakura's flawless work there wasn't even a mark to show for it, and there was barely any numbness when she prodded at it to check for remaining bruising near his ribs. Her eyes and face were bright with pride in herself, which made him happy to see even now.

"Alright now, on to your leg," she said and moved to the end of the bed.

"Wait!" She turned swiftly with enough concern to embarrass him into clearing his throat. "Uh, I…heh…can you tie this thing back up first?" His nervous laugh matched his closed eyes.

"Oh! I totally forgot. You're probably freezing." With a few quick movements, he could finally loosen up again, and after spreading blankets up to his chest she went back to where she'd been standing.

A shock of cold air hit his bare leg when she lifted the covers off it, frowning when she noticed a thick cast wrapped around part of the limb. "Ugh, damnit. I should have just brought you myself so things could get done properly for _once—_ "

The door to the hospital room opened with the hollow sound of a body shoving against it and a loud click. Sakura and Kakashi both looked up in surprise.

"You stupid son of a bitch," Tsunade half-shouted, shaking her head as she entered the room, Shizune trailing in behind her. The Hokage's scowl was a legendary one both Sakura and Kakashi knew unfortunately well, and the one she currently sported was no different.

"Tsunade-sama," Kakashi greeted cheerfully, which only deepened said scowl, "what a pleasure to see you." Sakura poked a warning finger into the side of his knee.

"Shut that smart mouth, Hatake, before I fuse it closed." Tsunade glanced at her apprentice with more than a hint of disapproval. "What are you doing here? I thought you weren't on rotation again until tomorrow night."

"I wasn't, but desperate times…" Sakura trailed off nervously, clearly aware of how little weight the explanation would carry with her master. "Sorry, shishou, I just feel better when I take care of these things myself."

"As incompetent as your team members are"—a sharp glare at Kakashi—"they're fine without you. You have days off for a reason." Sakura hunched a little under Tsunade's accusatory raised eyebrow. Kakashi couldn't blame her; the woman was a force to be reckoned with.

"I know," Sakura hedged hesitantly, "but someone already fed him solids _and_ put a cast on his leg before I fully healed the compound fracture. I only closed the skin where the bone had been exposed and repositioned it so we could finish treatment here instead of in the woods."

"Hn. Good girl." Tsunade crossed her arms across her ample chest and tapped her fingers against her other elbow. "I'll have a little chat with his nurse before I leave. And I'll let you heal Kakashi's leg before I kick you out for the rest of the day. Okay?"

Sakura nearly jumped for joy, instead settling for an excited clap and a short bow. "Thank you, shishou. I—"

"Not right now, though," Tsunade continued with an arm out toward Shizune, who promptly handed her a stack of books. Kakashi, with no small amount of delight, immediately recognized the garishly bright colors and symbols on their spines. She smirked at the excitement he knew was apparent in his face. "He'll live for a little while more. First of all, Kakashi, we need to hold a debriefing, and then I've got some matters to discuss with you."

His burst of glee faded. _Uh oh._ Surely whatever it was couldn't be that bad, but the glint in Tsunade's eyes sparked his intuition and clenched his stomach. No matter what it was, it'd involve more work on his part, and he was never in the mood for that.

"That's my cue," Sakura said quietly, and glanced at Kakashi with a tiny smile. "I'll be back in a bit."

Kakashi nodded and watched as she left, not exactly ready to face Tsunade and whatever she had to say. He was still pretty damn tired and hadn't slept in hours, which he really needed to do given his current state.

Tsunade dropped the Icha Icha volumes on the bedside table with a loud thud. "I brought you these as a consolation prize."

"For?"

"Almost dying." She snickered. "And for what I'm about to tell you."

"You're not assigning me a new genin team, right?" _Please don't,_ he thought. _One was more than enough._ But then again, giving her ideas was never a smart move.

She snorted crassly. "You think I would do that when you barely made it the first time? Not to mention that you can't teach for shit."

He knew all too well but didn't care for the reminders. "Thank you, Tsunade-sama."

"Anyway," Tsunade breezed by his faux formalities, "I'd like to congratulate you on your last intelligence mission for Ibiki. Not only did you completely eliminate the opposition or any future threats of it, but you're no longer under his command."

At that, Kakashi raised a skeptical brow. When he looked to Shizune for explanation, she simply gave him a nervous, half-assed smile. A _nothing I can do now_ smile. "How do you figure?"

"Because I nominated you as my successor, and the council unanimously voted in agreement."

Kakashi blinked once, then several times. Someone must've given him morphine after all.

"Got anything to say to that, Hatake?" Tsunade tapped her foot slowly, impatient as a ticking clock, and suddenly he felt the doom closing in on him. The problem was that he couldn't move, quite literally, even though he longed to. He couldn't run away. She'd chosen her stage well.

"Uh…please no."

She barked out a laugh, one that reminded him of her true age. A lot younger than Sarutobi had been but old enough to be sick of running this place. Was that why she was retiring?

No, he reasoned as he took in her youthful appearance. She was ready to move on and do her own thing after doing this job for far longer than planned. There was no way he'd look that good after being Hokage even for a year or two.

"Can't you…" A weak sigh slumped his shoulders. "Aren't there any other nominees?"

"Oh, believe me, I tried to offer Sakura as a contender, especially after Shizune refused to take the position. But not a lot of people took me seriously since she's only twenty-one." Miffed, Tsunade flicked a pigtail over her shoulder, which hit a withdrawn Shizune in the face. "Not to mention that despite her insanely hard work, she's constantly overshadowed by those two other dipshit kids of yours."

Not the best segue, but it had to be asked: "What about Naruto? He's been wanting the position since he came out of the womb."

She huffed. "Same problem with the age, except he's still twenty. And I don't care how many battle victories and jutsu he pulls out of his ass—that boy is _not_ ready to lead an entire country, Kakashi. I know you're not an idiot. Or at least I'm hoping you're not."

He cleared his throat with great effort to dispel the sudden lump of unease. "With all due respect, Tsunade-sama—"

"Hah. Cut the crap, kid. Just give it to me straight."

"Okay then," Kakashi started again, reeling in his tone. "You do realize that Gaara was _fifteen_ when he was inducted as Kazekage?"

Tsunade's laugh had that haughty edge he dreaded. It meant that it would be nearly impossible to change her mind.

"Gaara and Naruto are far from comparable," she said with no slight amount of condescension. "Just because they're jinchuuriki and in the family business doesn't mean they're capable of carrying diplomatic and political clout. But, lucky for Suna, Gaara's got the temperament for politics, the intelligence, and the intimidation factor in his favor as well." A trademark smirk twisted her mouth. "You wanna try and tell me Naruto could negotiate treaties and economic policy? I'm not even sure he can read!" That awful laugh reverberated in the hospital room. He looked to Shizune for some backup, but the poor woman just shrugged helplessly. This wasn't the first time she'd been witness to Tsunade wielding her power.

"I don't think you're giving him enough credit, Tsunade-sama." Kakashi was so frustrated and tired at this point that it felt like he was talking to a rock, partly because he was trying to convince himself of his own argument. "Naruto's had exponential progress over the years, and he's had ANBU training as well. And the people love him."

"Yeah, yeah. Nice try." Tsunade pushed herself from the windowsill and began walking toward the door. "Talk to me in ten years and we'll see if he's ready."

Ten years? _Ten years?_ Oh, God, he was seeing spots at the edge of his vision. There was no way he could do this job for ten fucking years. He was almost tempted to ask if Shizune had been drugging her sake stash.

"Don't we need to debrief his mission?" Shizune whispered as she followed, casting a rather concerned look at Kakashi.

Tsunade just smiled a saccharine grin, creasing her eyes with mock friendliness. "Oh, don't worry about that right now. We'll come back after he gets some much-needed rest. He's looking a little pale, don't you think?" With a hard pat on his foot, she and her assistant made their exit, and he was left alone in his misery.

As he laid immobile in his hospital bed, Kakashi could have weighed a thousand pounds, his aching muscles locked into place. He might have been starting to sweat, too, though it was hard to tell since he was numb all over.

He'd been through this once before, this looming threat of having to take the title, but that time he held on to the hope that Tsunade would come to—or that in some parallel universe Danzo would've gotten his shady act together. This time was final, and as much as he genuinely didn't want to, he'd have to face the music. The life of a shinobi didn't exactly cater to wants and needs in the first place.

He had been putting off thinking about this day since the Sandaime's funeral. The idea of him, Hatake Kakashi, with his track record of astronomical mistakes and carelessness, as Hokage…it was ridiculous. He could barely even keep _himself_ alive _._ How the hell could they count on him to keep the entire country in one piece?

He expelled a long, almost painful breath just as Sakura reentered the room, mouth pinched to one side of her face with worry.

"You look horrendous." She came to stand by his bed, hand hovering unsurely over him before slipping it onto his forehead. "Ooh, you're clammy. We need to get this blood transfusion happening as soon as possible. Everyone's being so _slow_ today, like you're not half-dead by now…Unbelievable."

He didn't say anything. If Sakura knew what news had just been delivered, she'd at least be showing signs of curiosity or, more likely, sympathy. Actually, no—she would laugh in his face. If anyone knew him to be a half-assed authority figure and leader, it was his former students. Especially her.

Suddenly his leg was being jostled. She was ripping his cast apart with her bare hands, or that was just what it sounded like. He was too exhausted to try and crane his neck to get a glimpse.

"Sakura…"

Immediately, she stopped and placed a cool, gentle hand on his calf. "I'm just fixing your leg. Everything okay?"

"Don't fix it. Don't fix anything. Just leave me to die." His voice had been reduced to a hum at the back of his nose and throat.

"Pfft. You're talking to the wrong medic, Kakashi-sensei." Her chakra entered his body through his knee, a warmth spreading down to where his bone had split and barely mended. She was going at a methodical pace this time, so the sensation of his muscles and ligaments threading back together was actually quite soothing. His eyes slipped closed.

"Nah. You're a big girl now. No one will miss me anyway." Her laugh hit his ears and he smiled sleepily beneath his mask.

 _"I_ would." His grin spread a bit wider, but then she added, "You're the only nice old guy who comes to this hospital."

"That's strike two, missy." It was said around a deep yawn, and Sakura laughed again.

"Tell you what, sensei. If you stop talking and let yourself sleep, I'll read you some Icha Icha when you wake up."

Just hearing the title was enough to get him to agree. "Deal."

And without another word or thought, he immediately succumbed to unconsciousness.

.

* * *

a/n: I really hate myself for starting a new fic before finishing another, but my Kakashi senses were tingling and I couldn't not. it'll be a little while before I post the next chapter since things are hectic right now, but I AM going to update, just bear with me in the meantime.


	2. hashtag whatever

The next week or so went by in a haze of sleep and recuperation. Now that he was thirty-three, soon to be thirty-four, the effects of wearing himself out to this extent were not the easiest to overcome. He wasn't about to lie and say that the rest wasn't completely warranted.

He didn't mind his stay in the hospital so much this time, most likely because he wasn't conscious for a good portion of it. Otherwise, Sakura had done plenty to distract him from the fact that he was stuck in bed, like sharing hospital gossip or playing crappy games of cards. For that he was grateful.

There weren't many visitors save for some nurses and Genma with the latest news around town. It would have been nice if Yamato weren't off doing…whatever he'd been assigned to do lately. He missed his old buddy and his level head, not to mention his willingness to do everything his favorite senpai asked of him. In Yamato's stead, Gai often took it upon himself to visit Kakashi's hospital room, shouting happily and giving him a headache with all the power and vigor of youth. The only youth it held any resemblance to was a newly genin Naruto, or Lee as the case was.

Much to Kakashi's delight, Sakura usually caught Gai in action and forcibly wheeled him out of the room, claiming her dear old sensei wasn't allowed visitors during his stay. Kakashi deeply wished the same principle applied to Tsunade, who liked to pop her head in just to keep him on his toes.

It was great that his fatigue didn't allow him much in the way of anxiety; a slow wavelength of dread hummed at the back of his mind instead. This Hokage business had never exactly been news to him, but it was now a reality he was highly unwilling to face. There wasn't a way out—at least not that he could come up with in the midst of his exhaustion.

His finger reached for the button by his side. Maybe Sakura could knock him into a coma.

Seconds later, a harried nurse walked into the room, the same one who'd been attending to him since yesterday. "Yes, Hatake-san?"

She didn't sound too thrilled, probably because he'd buzzed her several times that morning for no apparent reason, so he put on his sweetest eye-smile. "Is Sakura in?"

The nurse shifted her weight to one foot and crossed her arms. "Haruno-sensei is still in surgery. She's already been notified to come check on you afterward. Twice." Impatience cracked through her polite, forced expression. "Can I get you anything else while you're waiting?"

He smiled again. "A sponge bath would be nice."

"You've already had a shower today, Hatake-san." Her tone was one more commonly used with small children. "I'm going to go back to work now. Use the call button _only_ if you're having an emergency, okay?" Without waiting for a response, she promptly turned and left.

As the door closed with a loud metallic clack, something occurred to Kakashi. With Gai annoying him all week and him annoying the nurse, he realized how easy it was to get on people's nerves enough to make them want to avoid him. He'd never actively tried to make people dislike him before, especially since he had to stop caring after a certain point in his life, but now it made so much sense.

Perhaps this was the perfect thing. Slowly but surely, he could annoy the living shit out of everyone in Konoha, and then no one would want him as Hokage.

He sank dejectedly into his pillow. Carrying that plan out required too much effort. Besides, all the jounin and officials would know what he was up to, Tsunade especially, and she'd rush the process just to get him out of her hair. It was a stupid, childish thought anyway, but he was too tired to come up with anything else. Something told him it would be easier to just do the damn job.

He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes. "Fuck me," he whispered to no one. Or so he thought.

"No thanks, this job is already doing that to me." Sakura had entered the room almost silently. Her hair was pulled back into a spiky mess of pink with bangs pinned haphazardly off her face. She looked grumpy and unkempt, which was kind of cute if he ignored the dark circles under her eyes. "I heard you made Michiko request a shift change."

"You mean my nurse today? She's a peach."

"I would be too if someone buzzed me eight times in two hours." Her lips quirked into a lopsided grin. "You must have been really bored if she came to tell me while I was wrist-deep in someone's skull."

"I _am_ bored," he said as she moved his bed so that he was sitting up halfway, then sank tiredly into the chair at his side. "If I recall, a certain favorite student of mine promised to dictate a certain favorite series of mine."

Sakura chuckled and reached between them to grab a book from the nightstand. Briefly he remembered how this used to embarrass the hell out of him, and he wondered if he would regret letting her read it aloud. But he was still too sore to hold up the book for longer than a few minutes, and it was giving him porn withdrawals. And, he justified, she was a medical professional. She'd seen her fair share of genitalia and the like, and if he'd seen her murder zombie soldiers with her bare hands, he could handle her reading him some trashy erotica. No big deal.

"You know," she drawled thoughtfully, reclining in her chair and turning the teal book over in her hands, "when I _was_ your student, what, ten years ago?" Her nose wrinkled and eyes glinted as they scanned the back of the novel. "I was dying to know what was in these things. But I kind of completely lost interest after I found out Jiraiya wrote them."

Tsunade had surely bred that difference in taste. "Are you saying you don't appreciate the greatest literary mind this village has ever produced?"

"God, no." Her stage-whisper was thoroughly scandalized. "I'll never forget when I went on that mission with him and Naruto. I mean, he never said anything weird to me, but with every other woman he was a wild card. Total lech. And for some reason they all _loved_ it." After a pause, she shuddered and made a disgusted noise.

"Don't you think he had a certain charm?" He was just teasing her, but she gave him a dark look.

"Uh, he let fourteen-year-old Naruto lose his virginity to a _prostitute_ , Kakashi-sensei. I wouldn't exactly say that counts as charming."

It was Kakashi's turn to shudder. "I really did not need to know that."

"Well, I didn't either, so now we're even." With a huff, Sakura plopped the book onto her stomach and glanced up at him. Her hair was mashed against the wall, fanning out like a pink cloud behind her head. "So, while we're on the subject of total debauchery, where would you like to start today?"

Hmm. If that was Tactics, he'd have to try and remember which parts were lighter on the porn… "Chapter eight?"

"Chapter eight it is." She wriggled a bit to get comfortable, feet on the side of the bed. "Can I have a blanket? It's freezing in here."

He handed her the pink blanket Genma had brought him. The thing had to be Shizune's, unless his friend knew how to quilt—it was in far too good a condition, too soft, and smelled too clean to be owned by a usually-single man in his thirties. Sakura wrapped it around her shoulders, humming with contentment as she cocooned herself.

Once settled, she thumbed through the pages until she found the chapter. Sadly, he'd lost his sharingan before he had thought to fully memorize the last volume of the series, so he had to wait for whatever came with that increasingly suspicious look on her face. Her eyes scanned the book as though it were an ancient scroll full of secret medical jutsu. Uh oh.

"Actually, on second thought, I changed my mind."

"Aw, come on. It can't be worse than anything Ino lends me." Sakura was turning pages back and forth now, trying to get some context, he assumed. "If I hate it, I'll stop."

That was guaranteed to keep this whole thing rather brief, so he allowed it, giving her the go-ahead with a reluctant motion of his hand.

There was a moment before she cleared her throat for show, then began, " _Natsumi was breathless, her lover's confession still ringing in her ears. But Katsuo had only been telling her the truth—at least the one he wanted her to believe._ " Her voice trailed off as she let out a disbelieving laugh. "Kakashi-sensei…this is so bad."

"Told you." She had a nice reading voice, animated and melodic; he filed that information away for the next time he was hospitalized. Maybe he'd find something safer for her to read.

A giggle bubbled from her throat. _"Her breasts heaved as she gasped for air, tears sparkling in her beautiful eyes. 'Oh, Katsuo-sama…I don't know what to say.'"_ Sakura's voice was high, breathy, totally dramatic as she read Natsumi's line. " _He wiped the glistening drop from her cheek. 'Then don't say anything,'"_ she quoted, her voice going comically deep. _"Taking her in his arms, he captured her lips with his own, feeling her moan against his mouth'—_ wait, she's already moaning? He hasn't even done anything yet!"

Kakashi only spared her a sidelong glance, hoping this was just a kissing scene instead of the prelude to a huge sex scene. He really couldn't remember. That was disappointing and a little frightening in the current circumstances.

 _"'Katsuo,' Natsumi whispered, trembling in his embrace.'"_ Sakura's free hand moved theatrically as she spoke. _"'His hands traced her perfect hourglass figure, one settling in the curve of her delicate waist and the other caressing her voluptuous breast as he kissed her with abandon. He felt himself grow hard'—_ are you _serious?_ This is ridiculous. Honestly."

As she read, he recalled why he'd been so embarrassed before. When someone else made him aware of how the writing sounded out of context, it was hard—well, perhaps _difficult_ was a better word—not to get self-conscious.

"Fun's over," he murmured, face heating to an uncomfortable degree as he reached for the book. This was definitely leading to the sex scene. It must have been chapter seven he was looking for, unfortunately.

Sakura only held it out of his grasp looking like the cat who ate the canary. He should have recalled sooner that the only thing stronger than her fist was her sense of spite when challenged.

"A promise is a promise, sensei," she sang, green eyes bright with a mix of mischief and slap-happiness, and then settled back into her previous position. This had been a terrible idea. He seemed to have a bad history of agreeing to things he hated.

 _"'She gasped when he pressed himself against her, looking seductively at him from beneath her thick lashes. He felt her hand slipping beneath the waistband of his pants.' …_ Oh, please. He's already getting off? What the hell did he say to her?" She snickered not entirely unlike Tsunade, intently absorbing the words in front of her.

"Stop," he protested, face feeling red as a beet, but she wasn't really paying attention.

"I don't…How can you read this and enjoy it? It's so unrealistic. The way he describes things sounds worse than when Naruto and I went at it."

"I'm sorry—what?" Kakashi was certainly getting an earful today. He hadn't been bored enough to listen to _this_ shit.

"If he says 'voluptuous' one more time, I'm going to explode." She sucked in a breath suddenly before emitting a shocked breath of laughter. "Yikes, looks like Katsuo just did, all over—"

 _"Sakura."_ The desperation finally made her look up at him, and he could tell when she noticed how utterly awkward he felt. It would be impossible not to; he was probably blushing down to his knees. God.

"Fine, I'm stopping." The smile she offered was sheepish as she lost momentum, but still highly entertained. "I forgot you can't read this out loud. I wouldn't either if people knew I was into something this terrible."

"Uh, yeah." He coughed. "I'm actually surprised you did it at all."

"You agreed to it, remember?" Sakura set the book unceremoniously on his chest, then leaned back to burrow herself in the blanket.

"If I recall correctly, I was pretty tired when you offered. Speaking of which, aren't you tired?" Her surgery had to have taken hours if she'd been indisposed all day.

"Mhmm. That's probably why I didn't stop reading after the first sentence." A deep yawn warped the words. "But that doesn't keep me from backing out of my commitments."

"You sound like Naruto," he said, amused. That philosophy probably made her job pretty damn exhausting.

She hummed with closed eyes. "I kinda miss him. He's been on a mission for a few weeks and he's not due back for at least one more."

"Hmm. I bet Ichiraku is suffering without their number-one customer."

"I don't think Tsunade's ever been happier in her life. Being in ANBU hasn't exactly stopped him from being obnoxious." Air blew out of her nose in an attempt to laugh, but she was definitely starting to fall asleep.

"I'll bet." Her slow, even breaths confirmed his observation. "Aren't you on a shift?" He asked this less out of concern and more out of amusement—Kakashi was hardly one to talk when it came to lazing around during work hours.

"Eh, I probably deserve a break. Wake me up if someone's dying."

Well, he couldn't do much to stop her. At any rate, Sakura _did_ deserve a break. This place probably sucked the life out of her, and given her skills, she had to be in high demand. Not to mention that she had to take care of him on top of it all.

Once she was deeply asleep, Kakashi didn't have a whole lot to do. He could try to read, but he thought it necessary to put today's incident out of his mind before being able to fully enjoy the story again. He could call the nurse for some food, but she might chew his head off if she hadn't already switched wards, and he was pretty positive Sakura had snatched the call button while he was distracted. Plus, it might get her in trouble for sleeping on the job, which he presumed wouldn't go over too well.

He simply decided to wait until she woke up, or until he fell asleep too.

.

.

.

Funnily enough, both happened, and around the same time to boot.

The door slammed open with enough force to crack the wall it swung against. Kakashi woke with a start, forgetting where he was and that he'd slept at all.

"Whoops." It was Tsunade, of course. She looked at the gaping hole in the drywall, then at Kakashi, then at a sleeping Sakura. "Should I even ask?"

"Not what it looks like," he said plainly after realizing that Sakura had moved over the course of her nap, and boy, did she like to get cozy. Her head was resting on her arms, which were resting at his hip, and her face was turned toward the elbow which edged dangerously close to his lap.

"Sakura." Tsunade clapped, and Kakashi had the sudden feeling that this napping thing was a routine occurrence. "Get up."

"Mmnh." The sound was uncannily similar to a dying animal.

"Get up, girl. I know you can hear me."

"Five more minutes," she mumbled into Kakashi's thigh, sliding her cheek across her forearm and subsequently getting far too close for comfort. Involuntarily, panicked, he sent a pleading look to Tsunade—unlike she might've been, he was definitely not used to this—but she just sniggered evilly, hand on her hip.

"I think you're about to give Kakashi an aneurysm."

"Kakashi?" Sakura frowned, confused, then immediately lifted her head to stare at him with drowsy eyes, widening as she looked at her current position and removing herself with a faint blush. "Oh. Sorry, sensei…that probably wasn't the most comfortable hour of your life."

It had actually been two and a half hours if the clock was accurate, but he didn't correct her.

"I would beg to differ," Tsunade scoffed. "That's probably the most action he's gotten in years."

He couldn't exactly deny that, but she didn't give him a chance to even try as Sakura leaned forward to high-five her. Between this and Icha Icha it wasn't quite turning out to be his day.

"To be fair, I've been running your errands for however long it's been." He scratched his head, sweeping the hair out of his eyes. "Doesn't quite give me a chance to work my magic."

"Hn. That didn't stop Jiraiya." She let out a hard laugh. "I guess it doesn't matter either way. You're both repulsive."

He wasn't supposed to mention it, but of course, he did anyway. "Now, Tsunade-sama, should you really be saying that about your future—"

"Shut your damn mouth, brat." Her thoroughly frustrated exhale was pretty satisfying. "Anyway, I wouldn't exactly say it's a good thing you're both here, but at least it saves me a trip."

Something dawned on Sakura that made her sit up straight. "Wait, it's already—"

"Yes, Sakura, it's already four," Tsunade sighed. "Don't sweat it. Your craniotomy this morning was pretty damn impressive, so I'll let it go."

"Thanks, shishou." Sakura was visibly relieved, if slightly chagrined. She might have been the only person who could get away with this stuff. That was a pretty admirable thing in itself.

"What I'd like to discuss with you two is Kakashi's recovery." He suppressed any obvious negative reactions. "I need you back in shape as soon as possible. I'm sending you out again in two weeks. There's a new trade agreement we're establishing with the other kages, so you'll essentially be representing me, making sure everything is in order. Think of it as a few months of paid vacation."

Her sharp amber glare conveyed the message loud and clear: _Make a good impression on them, and don't you dare embarrass me._ He indicated his understanding with a slow nod. "I can do that."

"So he's making a round trip through every country?" Sakura's question held a note of envy behind her concern and doubt. "After the way he came back from his last mission?"

"That's where you come in." Tsunade stepped closer to her, arms crossed loosely but with authority. "He will not be going _anywhere_ without a medic until you two return to Konoha. And before you leave, I want you to work on getting his leg strengthened and his chakra stabilized. You know what to do."

An affirmative nod from Sakura was all her master needed, it seemed. As Sakura's former teacher and team leader, Kakashi knew she was diligent and an absolute perfectionist—traits she'd exhibited far before her years of training with the Godaime—and the reminder was a comfort. Out of all his other teammates, it was a relief to know he'd been paired with her.

The only downside was that there was no way she'd let him conveniently go missing-nin.

"Shishou," Sakura began with some hesitance, head resting thoughtfully against the wall, "how long is this going to keep me from work? Shizune and I are in the preliminary stages of creating those synthetic neurotoxins, and I'm still working on that noninvasive blade ninjutsu."

Kakashi blinked, reeling a bit. He had no idea her job entailed this much effort. No wonder she slept like the dead.

Tsunade only shrugged. "They can wait for a few months. Shizune has a lot going on with helping me organize the obstetric ward's redevelopment, so you'd have to put the experiments on the back burner anyway."

Sakura's cheek sucked in as she chewed the inside, something clearly still bothering her. Her complete lack of poker face was another trait she apparently had yet to let go of. "Okay."

"I _have_ thought this out, you know." A wry smile hinted at the corners of Tsunade's mouth. "You may feel like you've been demoted to babysitter—which, let's be honest, you have." A pointed look was sent toward Kakashi. "But this is the most important thing you could be doing for me right now. You won't be missing anything. Take my word for it."

That assuaged Sakura enough to unfurl some of the tension in her shoulders. "Okay. I will."

"Good." A moment lingered where she gazed at Sakura, a subtle pride smoothing her brow, but it vanished completely when she turned to him. "Buck up, Hatake. You're out of here by five on Friday."

Less than two days. Thank _God._ He was starting to get a little stir-crazy. "Yes ma'am."

"And if you waste Sakura's time, I'll break your other leg."

"Of course, Hokage-sama."

"Excellent. Glad we're on the same page." Tsunade suddenly tossed the clipboard under her arm to her apprentice who caught it with ease. "Come on, Sakura. We've got work to do."

"Yes, shishou." As Tsunade stepped away, Sakura gave him a short wave. "Thanks for letting me hide here. That's probably the most I've slept all week."

"No problem. Just come wipe up this drool later, if you don't mind." He closed his eyes into a fake smile as she scoffed and gave his knee a lighthearted push, and then she hopped up and dashed out of the room.

Once he was alone, Kakashi drew the hastily discarded blanket over his head and shoulders, enveloping himself in pink-tinted darkness, and hoped to separate himself from reality for a moment or two. It was close to impossible, though, so he didn't waste the effort on preventing his mind from turning.

If he'd deduced correctly, Tsunade was giving him several months to butter up the other kages as much as possible, as well as give him some downtime to get his shit together. Perhaps, too, it was an apology from both her and ANBU for the disastrous last mission. Pain in the ass that they were, Kakashi didn't mind being assigned the action-free diplomatic conquests, but this one felt more like a last hoorah than some sort of beginning for his new life and position.

He supposed that having Sakura there would make it a little less miserable. She'd keep him in line better than anyone else, and he got along with her more easily than their other teammates—sometimes Yamato included. It still felt like he hardly knew her, though, even after all their years of working together. But what he did know was that she was trustworthy and level-headed in a crisis, of which he was sure there would be many in the coming months, and that was all that was important.

His hands dragged over his face, pulling down his mask and scrubbing wearily over his skin, and he had the distinct impression that this would be the least strange day he'd experience for a long while. And if that was the case, then in the meantime he'd have to try not to lose his goddamn mind.

.

.

.

When he was finally discharged from the hospital, Kakashi was free to have his existential crisis in peace.

As he strolled through the streets of Konoha, his pace leisurely from remaining soreness, some abstract and unnameable concoction of emotion pulsed through him. The waves were slow at first as he took in the familiar sights of food stands he frequented and rooftops where he often read or hid. He passed the house where he'd grown up with his dad, walked over the bridge leading to the training grounds, saw the Hokage monument everywhere he went. There were hundreds of people milling around town—families, shinobi, academy students, civilians—and he wondered how much they knew about him, or how much they cared. How much they _would_ care if he ran this place and the country beyond its gates.

No matter how many times he pictured it, he loathed the thought of taking this job, resented the pressure of always being the one they turned to when all else failed. Throughout his life he'd known plenty of other people whose dream was to become Hokage, had even watched some die for their cause. Kakashi was not one of those people. He never had been, and he wasn't about to pretend to be.

With a long sigh, he decided to pick up some takeout and make his way home. If he didn't want to do the job, well, he'd just have to find someone who did.

.

* * *

a/n: I kind of accidentally lied—it's the next few chapters you'll probably have to wait a bit longer for. this fic is the only light I have in the dark world of university bullshit and finals...or something like that. so yeah, I'm definitely writing this actively, just slowly since I unfortunately have real life to tend to. kakashi and I would both appreciate ur love and patience in these trying times.


	3. in dog years i'm dead

Early summer had arrived in Konoha, soaking everything in sunlight and sending the cicadas into a frenzy. Stores and restaurants left their windows open and their fans spinning like lazy pinwheels, and convenience stores with air conditioning and ice cream suddenly became the most coveted commodities in the city. The trees lining more populous areas provided spots for picnics and peaceful reading, as well as much-needed shade and relief from the sudden blaze after months of balmy spring.

The heat, unfortunately, was especially detrimental to those who locked themselves inside their apartments without running water or air conditioning. Kakashi, nearly melted to the old leather of his sofa, forgot that he'd turned off his utilities before leaving for his last mission and was now regretting his inherent sense of frugality. It hadn't been bad last night, but in the daylight it was pretty fucking awful.

His whole place smelled like dog, more so than usual—not only because his ninken weren't exactly clean, but because they were panting constantly to stave off the high temperature. They were asleep on the floor next to their owner who'd crashed on the sofa after eating dinner. Pakkun rose out of the heap to jump up onto the sofa, butt wiggling as he trotted over the back of it.

"Hey, Boss," he said gruffly while poking Kakashi's head with a paw. "Think we can crack a window or somethin'? It's a little stuffy in here."

"Get Urushi to do it," came the mumbled reply, his voice cottony from sleep and dehydration.

Pakkun sighed. "You put those seals on 'em, though. We can't undo those, 'member?"

Kakashi sighed too, louder as he tugged his mask off and tossed it somewhere behind him. "I'll do it later."

"Aww, c'mon! It's like a sauna in here!" Guruko whined from the floor.

"That's the point. I'm on a cleanse. Gotta sweat out the impurities." The leather of the cushions squeaked when Kakashi tried to roll over. Sweat was making his skin stick to it and he had to peel himself off just to move an inch.

Shiba turned onto his back and pawed the air. "Man, it's hot as _balls."_

The rest of the dogs were waking up now and chimed in with similar complaints. It didn't take long to convince their boss to get up once and for all with an irritated huff.

After undoing the seals with a few quick hand signals, Kakashi shoved the windows open, jamming the lower panes up into awkward angles so they would stay put. He'd never gotten around to fixing their frames. Oh well. The air outside was a few degrees cooler than inside, and the initial wave of it felt unbelievably good washing over his sweat-damp shirt. Being able to breath properly again was an added bonus.

He turned to walk to his bedroom, bare feet picking up fur and grazing some of the excited ninken as he made his way. One set of paws clicked on the hardwood as it followed him down the hall; he didn't have to look to know who it was.

"What's up, Boss?" The pug hopped onto the rumpled comforter strewn across the unmade bed. "You're in a crappier mood than usual."

Typical Pakkun—man's best friend or not, his blunt honesty wasn't always appreciated.

"Dunno what you're talking about." The window in the bedroom was also shoved open, sending dust into a glittering sunlit flurry around Kakashi and coating his already-dry tongue.

"Well, for starters, you were all quiet last night and forgot to bring us some food…and now you're still sittin' in this heat, not doin' anything, and it's already three in the afternoon." His dog was eyeing him skeptically as he rummaged through his drawers, throwing some underwear and clothes into a heap at his feet.

"I'm up now, aren't I?" He pushed his hair off his face and combed his fingers through the sweaty clumps. God, it was hot—where was his headband? Maybe he could use it to keep his hair back like a kunoichi.

"The last time you were all weird like this was a while back, wadn't it?" Perched on tiny legs, he watched with droopy eyes as Kakashi lackadaisically paced around the room looking for his hitae-ate and a semi-clean towel. "Y'know, when you got wrapped up in all that Hokage business or whatever."

Kakashi instantly stopped, meeting his dog's eyes with a dead expression of his own, and Pakkun wheezed out some kind of shocked response.

"Aw, hell. Not again."

"Yup." He twirled a towel around his clenched fist and sent it spiraling into the clothes pile.

"I thought your kid was gonna do it. The loud one."

"Yeah," Kakashi said around an exhale, "I did too."

"Damn." The pug shook his head, his grimace a little too human for a minute. "I guess me and the boys'll be outta commission for a while, then."

He pulled on his sandals and a mask and collected the items off the floor, then stepped over to scratch Pakkun behind the ears. "I'll figure something out." Before either of them said anything else, he went to perch on the windowsill, slowly slipping his legs out and crouching to fit his head beneath the panes. "Meet me at the training field in an hour. The one with the pond."

"All of us?" Pakkun asked, already toddling his way off the mattress.

"Whoever wants a bath and food." Then Kakashi leapt out of the window, yanking it closed as he descended toward the neighboring rooftop.

.

.

.

After he'd sweet-talked his landlady into getting his utilities running again, despite it being a Saturday afternoon and not during the business week, he ambled over to Naruto's place down the main road. Since he was apparently still out on an ANBU mission, Kakashi looked forward to having a nice, quiet shower in his ex-student's (hopefully) clean bathroom.

When he finally made it to the door of the apartment, complete with a swirl mark carved into its wood, he didn't even have to pick the lock or mess with the deadbolt—in his absence, the kid hadn't even locked his damn door. Kakashi chuckled as he went inside and lazily kicked the door shut behind him.

It didn't look like much with the lights off, tidy as the space was, but once the curtains were opened it became a wonderland of mismatched furniture and decorative trinkets, all crammed into a single space.

On the walls were old movie posters, probably nabbed from theaters after their runs were over, and newspaper clippings, mostly comics from the Sunday papers, hanging by an Ichiraku flyer. A piece of scroll paper tacked to the wall had his name inked into it, reminiscent of the ones they used to give out at the academy for graduation. By the bed on the nightstand were a black-and-white hat shaped like some kind of animal's head—likely the same one he used to wear to sleep on longer missions—and an empty mug shaped like a frog, as well as a framed picture of their team once they became Team Seven, the same one Kakashi had on the shelf behind his own bed.

It started to get a little odd after that, though. By the television was a floor plant, a huge wilting fern, that was situated inside…was that one of Sakura's old boots? There were other, smaller plants inside shorter shoes as well, duct-taped closed at the toe to contain the soil. One look at the heel of a blue sandal revealed tiny words written in black: _PROPERTY OF UCHIHA SASUKE—RETURN PROMPTLY IF FOUND._ A sandal of Kakashi's, too, was on the television stand, and the only reason he could tell it was his was because of the distinctly canine bite marks on the sides. Huh. He'd _definitely_ thrown those away.

There was a picture in a pretty nice frame hanging to the right of the window and to the side of the desk. Kakashi expected it to be a picture of something sentimental and close to Naruto's heart; maybe an old photograph of his parents, or even one from his early genin days with the Sandaime. Instead, though, it contained a photo of a pale woman with silky black hair, wide makeup-heavy eyes, and rather large breasts posing in a translucent babydoll dress with matching stockings. In the corner was a handwritten note:

 _Come see me again when you're Hokage—I'll give you the presidential treatment. xoxo, Honey Baby._

Not only did she look startlingly similar to a certain lady of the Hyuuga clan, but Kakashi instantly recalled the horrendous tidbit Sakura had shared with him a few days before. He didn't even _want_ to know if or how that correlated, so he immediately looked elsewhere.

Naruto didn't have books that weren't manga geared specifically for kids, save for the occasional girlish teen romance thrown into the stack. On his desk beside them was a multitude of colored gel pens, some with sparkly caps. Kakashi was pretty sure Minato had used ones like those to sign legal documents, much to Kushina's endless delight. Naruto didn't seem much of a writer, however, given that his desk was free of any paper that wasn't an old mission scroll, a scrap of paper covered in doodles of Uzumaki swirls, or what looked scarily like Killer B's lyrical brainstorming.

Hanging above the desk were some pictures bordered by shiny silver duct-tape frames. There was a picture of Naruto giving a thumbs-up, face flushed most likely by alcohol, with a disgruntled Sasuke beside him. It couldn't have been more than two or three years old, Kakashi thought, since they looked the same as the last time he'd seen them together. Next to it was one of Naruto with Sakura, Ino, and Hinata, the former two kissing his grinning cheeks while Hinata politely peace-signed at the side.

There was a cluster of pictures, mostly of Naruto with Gaara, forming a sloppy asterisk shape. In one, he wore Gaara's Kazekage cap; in a few others they were with an unamused Shikamaru and grinning Temari, or Kiba and Akamaru with Kankuro making obscene gestures behind their heads. In the middle was one taken after Gaara was retrieved from the Akatsuki. Kakashi grimaced to himself as he saw that he'd been piggybacking Gai at the time while everyone else surrounded them. Naruto was with Gaara and Sakura at the center, arms around both.

The collage made Kakashi feel a little burst of warmth that turned his mouth into a nostalgic smile. No matter how hard Naruto's life had been growing up, he was truly, genuinely happy and loved by so many. That couldn't be said for just anyone—especially not after all they'd been through and seen.

He knew deep within himself that Naruto had the qualities of a leader. Really, he did. He was fiercely loyal to Konoha and its people, and he was always willing to learn for the sake of his passion and need to protect. He had everyone else's best interests at heart before his own. He had experienced war and had only come out stronger with the same disposition as always. He was a hero through and through, and everyone knew it and revered him for it.

More than anyone else, Naruto deserved to be Hokage. Kakashi would have to find a way to convince Tsunade what he already knew long before he'd had to think about it. There had to be a way to show her that the kid had matured into someone capable of leading the country.

He felt good, secure with this plan formulating in his mind as he stripped off his sweaty clothes and stepped into the shower. Or at least he _had_ felt good until he noticed the huge, orange, penis-shaped showerhead spewing water all over the molding floor tiles. He stepped under the freezing stream and sacrificed the last vestiges of his dignity for the day, feeling it run down the drain along with his temporary optimism.

Well…as long as he kept Jiraiya's influence on Naruto out of the equation, Kakashi figured he might actually be able to pull this whole thing off. Maybe. Possibly. Unfortunately for all involved, it wouldn't be easy.

.

.

.

A quick pilfering through his ex-student's pantry produced some cup ramen and stale animal crackers which he gladly munched on after his somewhat traumatizing shower. He was a little late to meet the dogs, sure, but they'd be fine, mainly since he scored some sliced beef off of Ayame at Ichiraku. A little harmless flirting never hurt anyone, especially not if it resulted in free food.

His muscles felt strained with each step as he made his way to the training grounds, and by the time he actually got there, his enthusiastic ninken ran toward him, jumped, and managed to take him down with them. He hissed as he hit the grass, praying the lingering soreness wasn't a sign of aging. There had been a few too many of those lately for his liking.

"Off," he muttered, and the dogs all moved to circle him a few inches away. The paper bag of food was crushed beneath his spine, so when he sat up the delicious scent of seared meat surrounded them. "Who's hungry?"

Some barked, some yelled "Me!", and Akino just came to calmly sit in his lap, tongue wagging in anticipation. Kakashi handed them all a few pieces each and smiled placidly under his mask at their delight. It'd been several months since he treated them last—espionage missions called for the utmost subtlety, of course, so he'd only been able to summon Pakkun in private for tracking.

They all headed to take a swim into the pond after eating, Akino still staying behind while Kakashi lounged by the water, holding Icha Icha in one hand and scratching the dog's soft belly with the other. If Naruto hadn't been low on shampoo after his shower, he would've brought the bottle to give them all a real bath, but the cool pond would suffice on such a hot day.

The sun laid in long, golden fingers over the grassy field, glinting off the clear water and silhouetting the dogs paddling through it. The heat was mellowing now that it was later in the day, but the high, keening buzz of summer insects and the sun on his face refused to die down. He crossed and uncrossed his legs to try and loosen them up to no avail. He knew he still hadn't gotten his stamina back to remotely normal levels—even the short trek around town had worn him out. Resigned, he laid the open book over his face for a long while, hoping a nap would distract him from his discomfort until later in the evening.

Sometime later, amidst the light sounds of splashing and playful yapping came the soft pats of footsteps approaching from behind. One purposeful flare of their chakra later and he knew exactly who it was.

"Thought I'd find you out here," Sakura greeted once she got close, bending down to scratch Akino's stomach. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," he replied from beneath his book as she flipped the hand resting by his dog over, checking his vitals through his wrist with chakra.

"Hmm. I can tell." After a few seconds the flow left his system since she'd moved to allow Akino into her lap. "The puppies sure look like they're having a good time."

"Puppies?" Kakashi scoffed mildly, scooting the book down over his nose. "In dog years, they're older than the Sannin combined."

"Well, in human opinion, they're the sweetest little puppies _ever_ , aren't you, buddy?" Her voice took on that quality it did when people addressed babies and animals, that dopey babble his ninken usually didn't take too kindly to. Akino, on the other hand, was joyously thumping his foot and tail against the ground, licking Sakura's chin and wrinkled nose as she giggled.

Slightly offended by Akino's traitorous affections, Kakashi didn't respond immediately. Instead he decided to wait for Sakura to state her reason for tracking him down—somehow he doubted she'd walk through all this heat just to take his pulse and pet his dogs.

He suddenly felt his leg being pulled upward into a right angle with her hands encircling his bandaged calf. When he slid his book further down to see what the hell she was doing, feeling a pull all the way down his hamstring, she only smiled at his inquisitive look. "Physical therapy, remember? I figured I'd go ahead and start since you're three hours late for your appointment."

Shit. He'd completely forgotten about that. "Well, you see, there was this little old lady who was stuck on top of the Hokage Monument, and—"

"Save your breath, Kakashi-sensei," she mumbled, tone flat as she rolled his ankle back and forth and pushed the top of his foot back and upward. It wasn't even the leg he'd broken, but whatever she was doing to it was a spectacular relief.

"Oh yeah…about that whole 'sensei' thing." He'd been meaning to bring this up since he was hospitalized, but hadn't seen much of her without Tsunade or Gai or someone else present. "You don't have to do that anymore."

The movement paused. "What do you mean?"

He tried to look nonchalant as he lifted his book in front of his face, feigning sudden interest in it. "For starters, I haven't been your teacher since you were twelve." He turned a page. "I don't think I taught you anything to begin with. You knew all the basics coming into training, and then…" His wrist whirled lazily around to make a flippant, all-encompassing gesture.

Sakura was quiet, contemplative, but continued her work on his leg, sending a warm, slow thread of chakra through the muscle. "You don't have to feel bad for ignoring me. That was a long time ago. I still respect you all the same."

"It's not out of guilt, Sakura," he told her, though it didn't mean he wouldn't always feel awful for the way he'd handled their team. "You're a jounin now, and you have been for several years. We're equals. And you've kept me from dying more than once."

Without looking, he knew she probably had a bashful smile on her face from the pseudo-compliment.

"Okay. I'll drop it, then." She put her hand below his knee, using the other to bend his leg once, twice. "I think it was a force of habit for nostalgia's sake. It might take me a while to get used to calling you just Kakashi." When he glanced discreetly over his book, he saw that her expression was strange, like she'd just eaten something and wasn't sure if it tasted good.

"See?" He chuckled lowly under his breath, putting one of his eye smiles. "That wasn't so hard."

"Maybe not for _you."_ She carefully placed his leg on the ground and prodded at his ankle and foot before moving to the other, repeating the same gentle motions. It was quiet as she concentrated on the bone in his leg—he could feel where she was working just slightly harder to repair it, but it didn't hurt at all; it just felt like he was stretching tightly.

"You're really tense." She set that leg in the grass, then extended a hand toward him. "Can you stand up for a bit? I want to get a sense of how your chakra's recuperating."

He took her hand and let her pull him up, telling himself it was more out of politeness than an inability to get up at a normal pace. Standing behind him now, she patted his shoulder.

"Arms up." The pads of her fingers pressed between his shoulder blades, searching for something. "Now out." Since he'd forgone wearing a flak jacket, he could feel the full pressure of them digging into the muscles down his neck and spine. "Your posture is terrible, you know."

Just as he was about to make a joke, chakra entered his system through the base of his neck, trickling down his spine from where her fingers sat at the edge of his collar. He couldn't contain the shiver that wracked his body—there was a whirring sensation that traced through the pathway of his own chakra as if she'd opened up a floodgate of energy.

A slight tap of her chakra sent another pulse through his system, testing the current and flexibility of the wavelengths. "Better?"

"Uh, yeah. Much." There was a gentle breeze blowing through the field that slipped into his shirt, cooling the fabric and skin beneath it, and he finally felt like he'd come at least halfway back to life. "What did you do?"

"There was a blockage—" She stopped when the breeze blew again, taking a few sniffs. When she did it once more, he risked a glance over his shoulder, eyebrow raised.

"Did you shower at Naruto's?" Her eyebrow was also raised, eyes slightly narrowed. How did she know _everything?_

"I would never," he replied in his dead monotone.

"There's only one man in Konoha whose hair smells like honeysuckles, and it's _definitely_ not you. Well, except for today."

"What does my hair normally smell like?" He didn't quite like the way she emphasized _definitely._

"Wet dog. Duh." Sakura smiled before pushing his shoulders down, standing at his side while bending him at the waist. "Touch your toes and hold it for thirty seconds. Try not to bounce."

He felt the blood rush to his head and fingertips as he followed her order, hands dangling above his feet. His hamstrings were tight enough to make him wince. Sakura's hand on his back was firm, trying to keep him from coming back up, and she felt his resistance.

"You are seriously tense. Jeez."

 _Yeah, no shit,_ he felt like saying, mostly to himself. "Can I come up now?"

"Just twenty-five more seconds."

"Pretty please?"

When Sakura didn't respond, he chanced another glance over his shoulder and saw her worrying her mouth with it scrunched to one side. She noticed and reached to turn his head back straight, but not before he'd registered her expression.

Oh no. He remembered that face—she knew something she wasn't supposed to, but was too curious not to ask about it—and prepared himself for whatever was inevitably coming.

"Keep your head down or it'll hurt worse, Kakashi-sen…Kakashi." From this vantage point, he could see her toe pointed in the grass, foot rolling around nervously.

"What is it?" he mumbled.

"Most likely it's from disuse since the bone reduction, but—"

"No, I mean…" He exhaled a long breath, his lungs forcing air out in his upside-down position. "Go ahead and ask me, Sakura."

"Ask you what?" God, she was a terrible liar.

"Whatever's on your mind," he replied vaguely as usual. "It's been thirty seconds, by the way."

Reluctantly, she lifted the chakra-enhanced weight of her hand from his back to allow him to stand straight. Kakashi only stared down at her as he stretched his loosened muscles and she glanced skittishly around the field.

"Are you—" Sakura pushed her hair behind her ears, fiddling with one of the strands and looping it around an index finger, before she finally looked at him again. "Are you really becoming Hokage?"

He blanched a little and blinked a few times before formulating a response. Before he could, Sakura pushed on anyway.

"I saw a note on Tsunade-shishou's desk that said something about 'cornering Hatake at the hospital' and then a bunch of bullet points about the council." Rows of pink ran across her neck where she was scratching at the skin, preoccupied. "There might have been a few obscene doodles of you with the Rokudaime cloak on, too."

"Obscene how?"

"Mostly just her putting her sailor mouth to good use." Sakura suddenly frowned. "Wait, don't change the subject. Is it true?"

"That Tsunade has a sailor mouth? As far as I know, yes." He turned back toward the pond to sit by the dogs and scooped up his book on the way. He thought he heard Sakura stomp a frustrated foot, but the training field would've been crumbled into dirt if she had.

"I'm serious, sen—Kakashi! This is really important!" She marched over to where he was reclining, snatching the orange novel from his hand. "Is this why we have to go meet with all the other Kages?"

Kakashi marveled again at how Sakura seemed to know everything. Trying to hide anything else would only further irritate her, so he gave up with a noncommittal shrug. "Yeah."

Sakura was stunned into silence, it seemed, and she turned his book over in her hands absently. He prayed her ridiculously powerful palms wouldn't accidentally compress it into a single piece of paper.

"Shishou didn't even tell me she was stepping down yet." The statement made her seem years younger—not because it was made out of childish petulance, but rather because Sakura felt like her master was still treating her like a kid instead of an adult and confidante. Kakashi recognized it because he'd accidentally done it to her more than a few times in the past.

"Well, to be fair, I don't think she'll announce it until we get back. So far it's just the elders and jounin council that know." He paused, rubbing at his jaw through his mask. "Shizune probably found out when I did."

Sakura nodded, contemplative, probably doubting his attempted comfort as she fell quiet for a long moment. Kakashi spent it looking at his peacefully snoozing ninken, their damp fur gleaming in the light of approaching sunset as they laid in a big pile by the water. After a bit, though, Sakura's silence grew uncomfortably tense.

"Tsunade tried to nominate you, you know," Kakashi blurted, trying to keep his tone casual. That was most likely a tidbit he was not supposed to share, but it had the desired effect—the gloomy atmosphere dissipated, as did the worried line between Sakura's brows. Her seal twinkled as she angled her head out of the sunlight and toward him.

"Really?" She bit her lip to contain a smile, especially after Kakashi nodded. "I'm glad it didn't work out, though. I wouldn't want that job for all the money in the world."

He huffed once with bleak amusement, staring out at the pond. _Imagine how I feel._ The words sat against his tongue like a block of salt, turning the roof of his mouth raw the longer they lingered.

"I guess you can't really back out of it now. From what I've seen, going against the council is…rough."

"Mmn." A few pieces of grass were plucked from the ground as he ran his gloved fingers between the blades.

Sakura's sympathy extended far enough to realize when to let go of the subject. "So, what country are you looking forward to visiting the most?"

"Definitely not Iwa," he murmured, recalling all of his less-than-savory trips there, specifically the last one.

"Why not?" She playfully nudged his arm. "I hear the Tsuchikage's daughter is hot, single, and ready to mingle."

"No thanks."

She scoffed, almost defensively. "Have you even met her?"

"Don't need to." Kakashi spared her a droll glance. "Imagine having the Tsuchikage as your potential father-in-law."

"Ooh, someone's confident." She wrinkled her nose, teasing. "But really, he can't be that bad."

"Try serving as a war general under him," Kakashi retorted, raising a brow.

"Touché." A soft wind lifted her hair off her shoulders and permeated his sweater, cooling his skin as it passed. "I'm looking forward to making some new memories, you know? The last time I went most of these places, it was…well, not so great."

He nodded slowly. No further explanation was required—he'd been there for a lot of the events she was probably thinking about. Not to mention that he'd had a few rough encounters in his own time.

"It'd be nice if we could all go as a team again," she hummed, eyes closed as she soaked in the fading sunlight. "For old times' sake."

"That can be arranged." An idea was brewing from her sentiment—this could be a great opportunity to get Naruto in on this Hokage business.

A green eye cracked open. "Sasuke? Yeah, right. Do we even know where he is?"

Kakashi scratched at the back of his head. "Maybe not Sasuke, but definitely Naruto."

"That's true. I'm sure Tsunade will jump at any opportunity to get him out of her hair." Sakura smiled slowly, her lips stretching with amusement. "Plus, Naruto will be _thrilled_ to see Killer B again."

"I changed my mind," Kakashi mumbled, and Sakura laughed out loud, the happy sound echoing through the placid field.

"Aw, come on! It'll be fun. A little chaotic as usual, but good for all of us, I think."

He nodded again, knowing Sakura was right. It would be nice to spend time with the two of them after years of little contact. Now that there was no threat of battle to bring them all together, they'd be able to simply spend time together and enjoy a long vacation, just as Tsunade said.

And, if Kakashi played his cards right, it really _could_ be good for all of them. He'd just have to figure out exactly how to make it happen.

.

* * *

a/n: thanks for your patience, peeps. now that I'm free for awhile I hope the updates will be at least slightly more frequent.


	4. scrungo ghostwrote half this

There were only a couple of days left until Kakashi and Sakura left for their mission, so it was probably about time he paid Naruto a visit. If he wasn't back from his own mission yet, it wouldn't do any harm for him to take a long, cool shower in his former student's apartment. He didn't feel like running to the convenience store for new shampoo or soap since he'd run out yesterday anyway.

Everything the same as it was the last time he'd popped by. The plants were slowly dying, no doubt from the stagnant heat being trapped in the room from a lack of air circulation. Kakashi immediately headed to the bathroom, not bothering to close the window or fold his clothes as he threw them onto the bed, then ran some cold water without so much as a glance at the unfortunate showerhead.

He shivered as water hit the back of his head like ice, trickling over his scalp and down his back. It felt deliciously good after the oppressively humid day the entirety of Konoha had been suffering through, even if it was making his skin feel impossibly tight. The sensation reminded him of the odd discomfort, usually manifesting physically, that had been plaguing him since Tsunade had delivered her news to him, and he wondered fleetingly if it would ever dissipate.

He'd just finished washing his hair, the overwhelming scent of honeysuckle assaulting his delicate sense of smell, when he was alerted to a more familiar feeling—someone's chakra, unmistakably and uniquely strong, was close.

Kakashi couldn't see much through the thick fabric of the shower curtain, but he heard the squeaky door being swung open.

"WHO'S THERE?!" came the scream, their feet squeaking against the tile. "I'LL _KICK YOUR ASS!"_

"Naruto, it's me." Perhaps Kakashi had gone temporarily deaf, but his voice seemed far quieter in comparison.

"Oh. What are you doing in my shower?"

"Showering." Body wash lathered as he spread it over the top of his chest. "Nice showerhead, by the way."

"Heh. Thanks." The toilet lid made a clanging sound as Naruto sat on top of it. "It lights up, too!"

Phallic, completely bizarre, and now a health hazard. Nice. Naruto was really outdoing himself.

"It's uh…cute." He rinsed off for a silent moment. "You just get back in town?"

"Yeah. That mission was boring as hell, sensei. You would've loved it."

"You're probably right." A wry smile touched his mouth. Naruto must've been hell to deal with on ANBU missions—stealth, subtlety, and self-awareness were hardly his strong points.

"When did you get back from your mission? You were gone for a kinda long time." Kakashi finished up and turned off the water, and he could instantly hear Naruto crunching on something. Probably the same animal crackers he'd snacked on last time he was here.

"A few weeks ago." He wrapped a towel around the lower part of his face after scrubbing it through his hair, then dried off with another. "It's been pretty boring around here, too, so you didn't miss much."

"Yeah, but I would've had a much better time here than in the middle of nowhere, doing _nothing._ "

He chuckled. Some things never changed. "If you're so bored, you should come with me when I head out in a few days."

"Wait, really?" Naruto's burst of enthusiasm was nearly palpable. "Where are you going?"

"Tsunade's sending me and Sakura out for some diplomatic work for a few months. Want to come?" Kakashi knew the answer before he asked, of course, but Naruto's reaction would be no less entertaining.

 _"Do_ I!" Naruto exclaimed emphatically. "But—"

The second the curtain was pushed aside, however, he was visibly disappointed.

"What?" Kakashi mumbled from behind the thick cloth.

"I was—aw, never mind." He sullenly searched the box for more crackers, crumbs falling from his mouth when he frowned.

"Hoping I wouldn't have a mask on?" Mindful of wet spots on the floor, Kakashi stepped out of the shower. Heat was already filtering in through the open bathroom door and it warmed the cool droplets on his skin. So much for relief. "Sorry, kid. Maybe one day."

"God," Naruto said out of the blue, apparently awed at something Kakashi had done, eyes glancing down at his naked torso. "You're fuckin' _ripped_ , dude."

"Uh, thanks." He suddenly felt the need to cover himself so he made his way toward the bedroom to retrieve his clothes.

"No, I mean," Naruto said around a mouthful of food, "I just wasn't expecting that. You always have, like, fifty layers on. You got a hot bod, sensei."

He could practically _hear_ the kid's eyebrows wiggling. Kakashi laughed to himself, replacing his mask and pants while he was still alone. "So do you, Naruto."

There was a second of silence before he got his reply. "Eww. No. This is weird. Just pretend I didn't say anything."

Now fully dressed, he returned to the bathroom to comb his hair, though it would be a fruitless attempt to tame the wild silver nest. He found Naruto grimacing, chewing slowly and a little red-faced.

"Don't dish it out if you can't take it, Naruto-kun," he chirped.

"Remind me not to compliment you if you're gonna be all creepy," Naruto mumbled.

"Duly noted." The comb caught a pretty nasty tangle, making him wince. "Anyway, do you want to come on the mission or not?"

"Hell yeah!" The earlier enthusiasm returned in an instant. "I gotta ask Sai first, though."

This definitely threw Kakashi off. "Of all people, why would you need to ask _Sai?"_

Naruto looked at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world before a little doubt creeped in, an expression highly reminiscent of one he used frequently with Sasuke in their genin days. "…Because he's the director of ANBU? I'm not supposed to do anything like this until he approves it, unless Tsunade-baa-chan comes and drags me out of headquarters herself or something."

Well, there was that, but the fact that Naruto was following the rules confused him even more than Sai's position in all of this.

"Since when do you ask for permission for anything?" He gave up on his hair and tossed the comb in the sink, turning to lean against its edge. "If memory serves me right, you never listened to your poor old sensei."

"Yeah, but that was when I was _twelve,"_ Naruto said, pouring the last of the cookies into his mouth. Kakashi raised a very skeptical eyebrow at him. "Whmph?!"

"Not much has changed." Kakashi casually stepped away and out of the bathroom again, sensing Naruto trailing directly after him.

"What'd you say? I was chewing."

"Never mind." No use in getting him riled up, he figured.

"Oh. 'Kay." Naruto just shrugged and skipped over to his chest of drawers, grabbing shorts and a shirt with the sleeves cut off. "I'm gonna shower too. I feel all grimy from the trip back."

"I'll leave you to it then."

"Wait, you can't leave!" Naruto wailed, picking up Kakashi's used towels from the floor and stomping after him. "I thought we were gonna go talk to Sai!"

"Right _now?"_

"Yeah, in a minute! I have to shower first, though. I smell like Kiba."

Kakashi cocked an eyebrow at him. "There's nothing wrong with smelling like a dog."

"Oh, no." One by one, Naruto's ANBU garments were discarded on the floor until he was in only his underwear. "That's being nice. It's like…B.O. Mixed with shit. And his mom's chili."

Yikes. No wonder people rarely wanted to share the kid's tent on missions, besides his frequent bouts of fleas.

"Yeah, I know," Naruto said at Kakashi's repulsed expression. "Okay, I _really_ gotta shower now. We're kind of in a hurry so just wait for me in here."

Kakashi decided to stroll into the kitchen, if only to go and scour the pantry for a snack. He'd kind of been hoping to finish those crackers off himself. To his mild surprise, however, he found Genma sitting comfortably at the kitchen table, beer in hand.

"Hey." He took a long drink. "I saw you crawl in through the window earlier. Thought I'd stop by."

"And you were kind enough to bring libations, I see." On a day this hot nothing sounded quite as good as cold beer. Kakashi nabbed one out of the six pack on the table, popping the top off with his thumb, but then set it down without so much as a sip.

 _"Man_ , you're fuckin' weird."

Kakashi stared at Genma from where he leaned against the countertop, eyes half-lidded as they always were. "I don't think I know anyone by that name."

Genma smirked. The shift in his jaw moved his senbon in a circle. "Smartass." He chewed on the metal point, tilting it up and down in an irregular rhythm. "I still don't get it, though. You're a grown-ass man, but you won't take off your mask for two goddamn seconds to drink a beer."

"Call it a force of habit." His flak jacket crinkled when he shrugged.

"No self-respecting adult drinks beer through a straw," Genma griped, wiping at his brow with his forearm.

"I'm just protecting my modesty." Kakashi fished through his hip pouch for the flattened straw currently being used as a bookmark. "Pretty sure that's a dictionary definition of self-respecting."

"I can't argue with that. You're like a nun."

"You should try it sometime." Absently, he traced the cool neck of the bottle with his index finger. "Instead of sending our esteemed Hokage some unsolicited dick pics, or whatever it was you did."

"Hey. My girlfriend is her assistant. I'm entitled to some understanding when a few naughty hawks end up in the wrong hands." It was Genma's turn to shrug before sliding an elbow over the back his chair. The short sleeves of his shirt were bunched around his shoulder to stave off some heat. He snorted as Kakashi, dressed in a sweater and pants, just took a sip of his beer, pulling his mask out at the neck and sliding the straw poking out of the bottle beneath it.

"Uh huh."

Genma was quick to continue in the same vein. "You know, you look a little…worn out these days."

"What's new?" He knew what was coming, as it always did.

"When's the last time you had some fun, huh?" A wicked grin grew on Genma's face, and Kakashi just sighed. Unfortunately, sex was his friend's favorite subject, and not something he himself had frequently enough to contribute to these conversations.

"Never. I'm saving myself for marriage." Kakashi slurped for several loud seconds before Genma gave him a narrowed look.

"C'mon, man," he said, leaning forward. "I'm pretty sure the last girl you dated was that Inuzuka chick, and that was, like, eighty years ago."

"Eighty. Wow." Kakashi's voice was inflectionless, his bored responses sounding as much like a broken record as Genma was starting to. It had been four years ago, after the war ended, and he and Hana decided they were better off with their veterinarian-pet owner relationship than a romantic one. It'd been fun while it lasted, though. She was cute, and her dogs were too—and thankfully she smelled a hell of a lot better than her brother.

"Who's this kunoichi I hear you've been roaming around the training fields with?" Genma took a long finishing swig. He handily tossed the empty bottle in the trash bin across the room with a loud clank while waiting not-so-patiently for an answer.

"Are you referring to Sakura? My former student and assigned medic?"

"Way to be a buzzkill," his friend mumbled, chin in palm. "You should be more open-minded. She's _hot_ , man. Got that kind of naughty nurse thing going on, dontcha think?"

The stare Kakashi leveled at his suggestive look was probably more dead than Genma would've been if Sakura were in the room.

"She _is_ hot," Naruto agreed, padding in with a towel on his head before he halted to a stop. "What is Genma doing here?"

"He's here because I'm here," answered Kakashi before his friend could get another dumbass word in edgewise.

"Okay, but why are _you_ here in the first place?" Naruto's towel didn't quite land in the laundry basket on top of the microwave, so the whole thing fell over, spilling socks all over the dusty linoleum. "Damnit!"

"I missed you." He sucked down the rest of his beer as he noticed how many pairs of socks were a strange yellow-beige, most likely a result of being thrown in the wash with all those hideous orange outfits. "Also I have no water."

"Again?" Genma snorted. "Your landlady probably thinks you died."

"Please. She loves me, and our pets get along beautifully."

"We don't have time for this, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto stumbled a little as he slid on flip flops. "Sai's probably not gonna be there much longer, and I don't feel like going to headquarters _again_ today to find him."

Kakashi set his empty bottle in the sink, but stuck the straw back in his bag. "Be where much longer?"

"Ichiraku! I saw him with Ino on my way back here. They're having one of their weekly meetings." Though Naruto was experiencing apparent distress at the time crunch, a sly grin crept across his face. "I think they just use them as excuses to go on dates, but don't tell them I said that."

Dates at Ichiraku—Kakashi couldn't picture anything less romantic, or more unappealing to Ino, the perpetual diet freak she was. Sai clearly didn't have much game either, something he'd likely inherited directly from his best buddy.

"Alright then," Kakashi said, though he had a feeling this was mostly a ploy for Naruto to get some lunch. In any case, it was worth a shot. "Let's go."

"Make yourself at home, Genma." Naruto headed for the front door while Kakashi went for the open window at the back of the room. "But only if you leave me some of those beers."

"No promises!" he called back as they left, popping the cap off another.

.

.

.

Two things were immediately apparent upon entering the food stand: Sai and Ino were definitely on some kind of pseudo-date, and Naruto was definitely hungry.

"THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN!" Naruto screamed, alerting everyone in a five-mile radius to his presence. Teuchi bellowed out a greeting and immediately started fixing him a bowl of miso ramen. Sai's eyes creased into the happy little half-moons that looked a little more sincere with each smile he gave. Ino's reaction, however, was much more amusing; she slumped against the counter before cradling her forehead in her palm.

"You said we had another _hour_ before he was due back," she grunted, sitting up straight again and rummaging through the papers scattered on the bar top. None of them were official documents, as far as Kakashi could see, just her own handwritten notes with a recent broth stain in the top corner.

Sai continued to smile, unconcerned. "Naruto-kun is very good at his job. It's no surprise he finished early."

Naruto launched into a tale of his mission—classified, no doubt, but Sai didn't seem to mind since most of the story involved the trip back and a squirrel that had gotten in his sleeping bag—while Kakashi went about being the nosy ninja that everyone seemed to find so endearing. Ino's notes were a hodgepodge of all sorts of thing, from a personal note about when a sale started at her favorite shoe store to a receipt for deliveries to her family shop. The most official stuff was written neater and in black ink, and when Kakashi could squint past the girlish penmanship he could see—

"Oh, here," Ino said after she swallowed a delicate mouthful of ramen, then reached across the bar to hand him the stack of papers. "You can take a look if you'd like. It's for the next stage of our mental health reform."

"Mental health reform?" he echoed, thumbing through the pages. He'd never seen more pink and purple sticky notes in his life. "For ANBU?"

"Precisely," Sai nodded. "Some of our operatives, particularly the veterans, have endured significant psychological trauma," he said, looking Kakashi directly in the eye. "In fact, your input would be greatly appreciated since you've dealt with crippling PTSD, Kakashi-san."

That smile of his was back to being annoying.

"Thanks," he deadpanned as Naruto's face scrunched in second-hand embarrassment and Ino's palm met her forehead once more, this time with a resounding smack.

"Looks like Sai's got his head unscrewed a bit too," she grit through her teeth before shooting Kakashi an apologetic look. "Sorry, sensei."

He shrugged, shoving his hands in his front pockets. "He's not wrong."

Naruto leaned over his shoulder ( _leaned?_ When did Naruto get as tall as him?) and skimmed the papers.

"Hey," he whined, pout and all. "What's _my_ name doing on here? I'm not all screwy in the head!"

"Yes, you are," the rest of them said in unison.

While Naruto went about snatching the papers clean out of Kakashi's hand, Sai went on to dig his own goddamn grave. "Though your trauma is more or less completely related to the childhood negligence and abuse you received as a village outcast and orphan, not from ANBU missions." Sai's eyes slid Kakashi's way. "However, Kakashi-san also presents the same childlike antics, such as being late, compulsive lying, never—"

Ino slapped a hand over Sai's mouth. "He won't be overseeing the mental health reform. I promise."

"Probably for the best."

Naruto's cheeks bulged in anger before he wagged a finger Sai's way. "I'm gonna ignore all that, only because I want a favor." He then clasped his hands together in a begging manner and all signs of his anger vanished to make room for that childish grin. "Can I have vacation time to tag along on Kakashi-sensei's stuffy, boring diplomatic mission?"

"Did you check your mask into repairs?"

"Yeah. Just needs a paint job, I patched most of it on the way back."

"Did you sign your equipment back in?"

"Yes. Paperwork is in Ibiki's mailbox."

"Did you send a request to payroll?"

"Yes. Thanks for the raise, by the way."

"The report?"

"I'll get it finished by tonight. I have to cross-reference with Owl on a few details."

Sai nodded, looking rather pleased. "Very well. I'll take you off the roster. You have indefinite leave; just resubmit when you get back."

Naruto flashed him a wink and thumbs up, even clicking his tongue for effect. "You got it, chief."

"Wow." Kakashi whistled, feeling dumbfounded and proud all at once. Naruto and responsibility weren't two words Kakashi often associated with one another, but it seemed his former student really had grown up—if only in the very slightest. "Why didn't you have your shit this put together when you were my student?"

"Once again: I was twelve."

"That's true. You've grown up to be quite the handsome little rascal, haven't you?"

"I take it back. Your body is ugly and scarecrow-y. Leave me alone."

"Fine, fine," Kakashi drawled, reaching out to flick Naruto's head and nearly missing when he ducked. "Just eat your ramen."

"I'm gonna get it to go. We should go find Sakura and deliver the good news." His smile was huge, and would have been infectious had Kakashi not remembered then that he'd forgotten _another_ healing session with Sakura, and she surely wouldn't let it slide this time.

"Let's not jinx ourselves. I need to have a chat with Tsunade about this first." He gave Naruto a placating eye smile. "You stay here, talk about that squirrel some more. I'm sure Teuchi-san would love to hear about it."

"I think I heard enough," the man chuckled, placing a big, steaming bowl of food on the counter. "Here you go, kid. Extra pork."

"Thanks, Jii-chan!" Naruto beamed. "But did you hear the best part? Where it crawled up in my clothes and bit my—"

If that wasn't a cue to leave, Kakashi wasn't about to wait for another one, so he decided to disappear with a pop of chakra in his wake.

.

.

.

The Hokage tower was quiet when he walked in, the lobby even more so with the chuunin secretaries quietly filling out and organizing paperwork. One of them glanced up when he passed by their desk.

"Are you looking to speak with Tsunade-sama?" she asked, pen poised over a rather large folder full of forms.

"Uh…yeah." He scratched the back of his head. "Is she in?"

"She's in a meeting, but she shouldn't be much longer if you'd like to wait." The chuunin gestured to rather uncomfortable-looking chairs by the wall. No thanks.

He was about to figure something else out when the office doors swung suddenly open, and out strolled Sakura. She was dressed for the heat in athletic shorts, ninja sandals, and one of her red sleeveless tops, and her hair was pulled into a ponytail at the crown of her head. It was a bit of a departure from the outfits he usually saw her working in; he wondered if she was sneaking work in on a day off again. It seemed to be a hobby of hers.

"Hey," she said, somewhat surprised, "you're early. I was just about to come and drag you out to the training fields."

Kakashi cleared his throat. "Actually, I came to speak with Tsunade."

"Oh. Well, she's not in right now; I just dropped some forms off on her desk. Are you ready to go now and then we'll come back later?"

After hearing a small noise that sounded scarily similar to her knuckles cracking, he started shifting on either foot as she stepped closer. He'd missed yesterday's therapy session for reasons not entirely unrelated to Icha Icha Violence and had been several hours late to every other one before that.

"Why don't we just do our mission briefing and call it a day?" He put on his best pair of smiling eyes and briefly considered making a run for it. "It's so much nicer inside, and—"

"Nice try, but no." Sakura smiled and firmly tugged on his sleeve, pulling him toward the doors of the Hokage's office. He let himself be dragged since he probably deserved it—no one would question Sakura taking him into Tsunade's office, and he certainly wouldn't struggle against her strength, however little of it she was using.

Once they entered, she barely paused a second before taking them to the balcony, opening a window to let them slide out before closing it behind her.

The wind actually blew up here unlike between the buildings of the village, and the day was clear and beautiful, so the heat wasn't quite as much of a nuisance. The sun glinted in winking, blinding spots of light off metal rooftops down below. Tall green trees swayed softly in the distance beyond the village borders, and a few food stands had things cooking, their enticing scents wafting up as the breeze carried them upward and away. Not a bad view, but not quite conducive to training either.

Sakura's ponytail whipped around when she let go of him and turned to face him. "I won't make you train today, but I _am_ going to keep healing you. Unlike some of us I don't enjoy half-assing things."

"Mah, you're being so generous today, Sakura-chan. My birthday's not until September, you know." She shooed his hand away when he made a move to muss her hair.

"Don't push it," she muttered, snorting and rolling her eyes as her fingernail poked into his shoulder. "Sit down."

Behind Kakashi were two foldout chairs, one of which he dutifully plopped into, with an ashtray full of old cigar stubs sitting between them on the ledge. He could almost see Tsunade sitting out here smoking and drinking after long hours in the office or losing another crappy bet. The thought made him smirk under his mask.

Sakura sat in the opposite chair from him and picked up his previously-injured leg, setting his heel on top of her thighs. The bandages around his calf were slowly unraveled and stuffed beneath his ankle, and the wind soothingly coated his exposed skin. Her finger traced the faint imprint where the wraps had been more tightly wound than necessary.

"How bad has your leg been bothering you?"

"It hasn't, really." He reclined to let his head rest against the concrete wall and saw Sakura's pink eyebrow raise toward her hairline—not buying it, as usual.

"Scale of one to ten."

"Hmm." It was just a dull, hollow ache at this point, like the bone was expecting to take much longer to heal than a week and a half. "Maybe a two or three."

"Really?" An uncomfortable pull immediately stretched down his shin when she angled the top of his foot toward her stomach. "I hope the last taijutsu session didn't strain you too hard."

He closed his eyes and reclined against the concrete wall, recalling their rather long spar yesterday before they called a draw out of mutual exhaustion."You weren't exactly going easy on me."

"And you were?" A smile was evident in her voice. Chakra tickled his skin as it seeped through it and sank first into the muscles, then into the bone underneath. "You really need to teach me that wrist torquing thing. I'm still not so good at moves that require that delicate precision you seem to specialize in."

"When we have some free time on this mission"—and they were sure to have a lot—"I'll show you a few tricks."

"Well, well, well," Sakura sang, pressing chakra-laden fingertips into his calf muscle, "looks like I'm not the only generous one today."

With one eye opened, he fought a lazy grin despite himself. "Don't push it."

She giggled softly through her nose. "Of course not, Kakashi. I wouldn't _dream_ of asking you to finally teach me _something_ useful."

"So you're telling me I didn't teach you the incomparable value of friendship and teamwork?" He placed a hand over his heart. "I'm hurt."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll bet that enormous ego of yours is just bruised to bits right now." Her ponytail fluttered when she shook her head, glancing up at him expectantly. "Speaking of pain…?"

"Just keep doing what you're doing."

"See, you say that every time, and it never helps." The second her chakra withdrew, she circled his ankle around in her palm. The ache had lessened considerably. "What about now?"

"Definitely better."

She waited, eyes bright green in the afternoon sunlight.

"Low two."

"Okay. I can live with that." She rolled his foot around her lap again. "I think I figured out the exact spot that still needs work. It's just a matter of completely strengthening the bone."

Kakashi nodded, closing his eyes again, but they popped back open a second later when the distinct noise of metal against metal sounded from beside him.

"You two planning to sit out there all day," Tsunade huffed, sliding her office windows open one by one, "or did you actually want to discuss your mission now, Kakashi?"

"You read my mind," he replied, creasing his eyes into half-moons. Sakura stood quickly and stuck out an arm, offering to help him up, and he took it before they went inside.

Tsunade sat cross-legged at her desk, haori draped over her chair and stray paper currently being used as a makeshift fan in her hand. Sakura stood at attention in front of her, back straight and poised, while Kakashi slouched a few feet to the right between her and Shizune.

"So." A few small stacks of paper were scattered beneath Tsunade's searching palm until she finally found the one she wanted. She skimmed its contents as she got more comfortable in her seat, putting her feet up on the corner of the desk. "Here's the deal: I'd love to tell you that is that this is complete and total bullshit, just a cover to get you to go around and kiss ass, but it's not."

Of course things wouldn't be that simple; they never were where Kakashi and his team were concerned, were they?

"It's no small thing, but it's also not a huge deal either." The paper she was fanning weakly blew hair away from her flushed face. "You'll be meeting with all the other kages to discuss a new trade agreement. What we're trying to establish is more transparency with the regulations between our systems and those outside Fire Country. This is specifically about our exports and how they're being taxed and distributed in other countries, so your objective is to get them to agree to an wider network of more frequent communication."

She suddenly threw a large stapled stack of papers at Kakashi, fast and straight as a frisbee, which he caught with ease. "Details are in there. Sakura, Shizune just put yours on your desk, so don't forget to pick them up before you leave."

Sakura nodded, gazing with a bit of trepidation at the thick documents in Kakashi's hand.

"You're not only going as his medic, but also as a sort of advisor. I have a distinct feeling you're more well-versed in how I handle politics than Hatake here."

He wanted to make a comment about how grateful he was for her faith in him as always, but Sakura's eyes cut up to his, signaling him to keep his mouth shut. "Yes, shishou."

Tsunade continued as though she hadn't seen the little exchange. "This is not supposed to be a dangerous or difficult mission whatsoever. Just get the job done and make a good impression so things can go smoothly and quickly when you get back."

When he got back. Right. She meant when they held his untimely funeral. "How long is this expected to take?"

"I'm giving you ample time to get from country to country. Each kage is expecting you for the first week of each month. You'll start in Water, then Lightning, then Iwa, and lastly Suna. Use the in-between time to do some sightseeing. And for god's sake, Kakashi, get where you're supposed to be on time, for _once_."

That probably wouldn't be happening. "Yes, Tsunade-sama."

"Alright." Tsunade ran a hand over her face. "I've given you two a pretty healthy budget for travel expenses. Don't blow it on stupid nonsense…unless you're planning to smuggle me in some ginjo sake from Kumo."

"Shouldn't be a problem," Kakashi said with a smile on his eyes.

"Good. Well, that should be it, then. Read over the information I gave you two and the mission scrolls waiting for you in the assignments office before you leave." She sighed. "Any other questions while you're here?"

Her tone of voice indicated that there shouldn't be any, but Kakashi pressed on regardless. "I have a request."

Tsunade glared at him with narrowed brown eyes. "If you're going to ask me if you can bow out, I'll permanently dislocate your shoulders."

"Actually, I was wondering if we could bring along an ANBU agent."

"And what in the hell would be your reasoning for that?" She sat up, leaning onto her desk with crossed arms. "You and Sakura can't defend yourself against the occasional village purse-snatcher?"

"It's a long mission where we'll be traveling across several different countries. I don't think it would hurt to have an extra pair of hands." Kakashi shrugged, hands in his pockets. "Plus, the bigger the entourage, the more people will take me seriously in all respects."

Tsunade seemed to be chewing on this for a moment, and Sakura glanced at him in the meantime. He responded to her with another shrug.

"Um, Tsunade-sama," Shizune chimed in from behind him, "it might be a bit late to put this through to ANBU."

"Not necessarily. Depends on who you want." She looked like she had a pretty good idea. Kakashi put on a happy expression for her benefit.

"I'm sure they wouldn't have a problem letting Naruto come along."

"Hn." Tsunade laughed once humorlessly under her breath. "I figured that's what you were getting at."

"Can he come, shishou?" Sakura was rubbing at the back of her leg with her other foot, tension in her shoulders. "I think it's a good idea, too."

"Well, since he's _standing outside,_ " Tsunade yelled out the window, "why don't you ask him yourself?"

Sakura blinked, but Kakashi just chuckled under his breath. He saw a pair of legs swing down from the awning before the rest of Naruto followed, hair as yellow as the sun behind his head.

"Aww! How'd you know it was me?" Naruto whined, clumsily climbing in through a window and landing on the floor behind her desk face-first. "Ow."

"We've been over this, Naruto." She yanked him up by his shirt, grumbling under her breath all the while. "Quit eavesdropping on my meetings!"

"But you were talking about me!" His whisker marks moved as he shrieked and pouted. Tsunade was having none of it, so she flicked at his back and propelled him away from her general vicinity. A loud cough wheezed out of him as he tripped forward.

"Yo," Kakashi said, lifting a hand in greeting.

"Hey, sensei." In a matter of seconds, he'd gripped Kakashi's wrist and slapped a high-five, then moved over to Sakura and wrapped his arms around her neck, planting a big, wet, open-mouthed smack of a kiss on her cheek.

"Nar—" A self-conscious but sincere giggle cut her short. "Naruto, I can't breathe!"

"Sorry, I got excited." He laughed sheepishly as he stepped off. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." Her arm found a comfortable place around his middle, and he beamed widely. The sight was warming and sweet, and Kakashi suddenly had a good feeling—no way could Tsunade argue with this.

"Out of my office, Naruto. We're having a private meeting."

"Come _on,_ baa-chan! I'm an asset here!" He was bouncing on his feet, barely able to contain himself. Tsunade seemed to be in the same state as her face turned frighteningly redder. "Can I please go with them?"

" _Out,_ Naruto!"

" _Pleeeeeeease_ can I go baa-chan please please please—"

"If you don't get out of here in five seconds—"

"—please please _please_ please please—"

"—rip the kyuubi out myself—"

"—please please _please?_ " Naruto held on even tighter to Sakura, angling their heads to rest on each other's as if they were taking engagement photos. "Pretty please?"

"God _damn_ it!" A disconcerting crack sounded from the desk when Tsunade slammed a fist against it. "Fine. Just stop talking."

"Fine?" The hope on Naruto's face made him look about ten years younger.

"Yes! Fine!" She ran an angry hand through her hair, and sweat made it stick straight back in crazed spikes. It was almost hilarious—only Naruto would be able to make the Godaime herself get close to losing her shit. "Get the paperwork ready, Shizune, and leave me alone for a minute. I need a drink."

"Of course, Tsunade-sama." A harried Shizune scuttled out of the room. Kakashi couldn't blame her.

"As for the rest of you—Sakura excepted—I don't want to see you again until you're walking out of Konoha." She readjusted the falling strap of her kimono. "Now go home and pack your bags, all of you."

"No problem." Kakashi flashed her a peace sign.

"Bye, baa-chan!" Naruto all but screamed, running out and dragging a waving Sakura with him. Tsunade's resounding sigh trailed after them as the doors behind them.

"So, are you ready?" Sakura asked once they were out of the lobby, her tone light and lilting in the presence of her friend.

"Duh, I am! I'm friggin' _pumped!"_ But then he paused for a second, bringing them all to a slow, anticipating stop. Blond eyebrows furrowed over confused eyes. "I don't really know we're supposed to be doing, though."

Sakura snorted as Kakashi ruffled his hair. "Why don't we go fill you in over some ramen?"

"Good thinking," Naruto agreed emphatically, dashing off in front of them. Clearly the fact that he'd just eaten was of little importance, as could only be expected of him.

"Think we can get him to pay for us?" Kakashi murmured to his companion as she tightened her ponytail, walking beside him. "I'm hungry."

"What you are is terrible," she said, playfully socking his arm, and then trotted off to keep up with Naruto. "But yeah, probably. He's in a great mood."

So was Kakashi, though it might have had a lot to do with the prospect of a free meal.

.

* * *

a/n: jesus fhdjsvbg CHRIST. I'm so glad to be done with this _chaos_ of an update. I just need everyone to know that this chapter literally, and I mean that in the most accurate sense of the word, would not have happened without the help of a to-remain-mostly-anonymous friend of mine who I dearly appreciate and luv, as she knows, and who I will from here on out refer to as scrungo. so please be grateful to the almighty scrungo, peeps.

reviews would also be dearly appreciated and luved. seriously, I love hearing feedback—it really helps me out, especially since this is the longest story I've written in over a year, and comments/encouragement are good for the soul.


	5. you do not give me ANY advice

"I can't believe you're still reading that," Sakura teased, her feet rolling side to side where her ankles were crossed in the seat beside Kakashi.

He glanced up from over the top of his book. "This isn't the same one you so thoughtfully critiqued, Sakura-chan."

Shaking her head with humored disapproval, her eyes dropped back to her own book, highlighter poised in one hand over the text. "Really, though, is there any difference?"

Kakashi's sleepy eyes only drooped further. "Once you read this series, you'll see the character development and nuanced writing style in all its glory."

"Don't count on it." She wrinkled her nose, smiling. "The mystery is gone, anyway."

"Suit yourself." Kakashi reclined further into his seat, stretching his legs across to set his feet by Sakura. Since Naruto had opted to ride at the front of the horse-drawn carriage—a stipulation for formality's sake, which was at once a luxury and an exhaustingly slow nuisance—the two of them had much more room to lounge inside, along with the added benefit of having their eardrums still intact.

"You sure you wouldn't rather read this? I have the first book of the series with me."

"No thanks. _This_ at least is anatomically realistic." She carefully drew lines of green highlighter over the page of her medical textbook, adjusting for the slight rocking of the carriage.

"Mah, Sakura, relax for a little while. We're on vacation."

"First of all, we're on a _mission."_ Her foot nudged his side, though she didn't look up. "But if you insist on calling this a vacation, then that means I'm allowed to spend my time however I see fit." Her highlighter repositioned to point at his own book. "Just like you are."

"Mm." Fair point. At any rate, she clearly meant business; he wasn't about to mess with that. They went back to their respective readings without another word.

"HA!" A loud shout sounded from outside, breaking the silence like a slap. "YOU _LOSE!_ It was that bird like half a mile ago!"

"How many times do I have to tell you?" came the quieter, more muffled reply, thoroughly exasperated despite it being the first day of their trip. "The point of I Spy is to describe something we can _both_ see."

At the same time, both Kakashi and Sakura sighed under their breath.

"It would have been nice if Naruto had brought some reading material," she mumbled, shaking her head, "if only for poor Daisuke-kun's sake."

Kakashi hummed his agreement, but he didn't feel quite as bad for their chuunin driver. Daisuke couldn't have been much older than his other two teammates, and given the kid's passive personality he was most likely some kind of lap dog for Tsunade.

The gesture wasn't one Kakashi could say he appreciated, and it perplexed him in the smallest way—if she had to keep tabs on him outside of Sakura's reports, she really didn't trust him, which made him wonder for the thousandth time why he was the only viable candidate for her job. He shrugged it off, however—had the situation been reversed, he definitely would expect Tsunade to make a run for it, because she _would_ have the second she was past the gates.

Kakashi was a different kind of man, however. He was at least going to wait until there was a proper opening before making his escape.

"I think you're just a sore loser, dude," Naruto taunted from the front of the carriage. "Yamato-taichou always guesses right, even when we're running."

"Yeah, well, good for whoever they are," the kid said plainly, obviously not used to Naruto's unique charms.

" _Whoever they are?"_ Naruto was absolutely baffled. "Holy shit, dude, Yamato-taichou is the best team leader of all _time."_ A pause. "No offense, Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi looked up to find Sakura mashing her lips closed, trying not to laugh, and the effect was contagious. "None taken."

There was some loud clunking as the cart jostled, and in an instant Naruto appeared in the open windows, arm looped through the panes to keep himself upright. "Where is he these days, anyway?"

"Uh, not sure." Kakashi set his book in his lap and tried to remember the last time he'd heard anything about Yamato. It'd been a good while.

"Well, _he_ should be on this mission instead of…" Suddenly aware of himself, Naruto craned his neck to peek at Daisuke, but seemed satisfied with whatever he saw. "Anyway, I miss him. He's so chill."

"He's so _nice,"_ Sakura contributed, finally looking up from her reading. "Every time he comes to the hospital, he lets his team members get healed first, and then he brings me takeout for lunch as thanks for taking care of them."

"You should've seen him when I joined ANBU. He took me out for ramen _and_ ice cream, _and_ he bought me a new set of kunai. Oh, and some new underwear." Naruto gave her a suggestive look. "Black boxer briefs, for extra sexiness."

"Or to match your uniform, you idiot," she said, pinching his arm hard enough to draw out a yelp. "Remember when he took us to that onsen for Sai's birthday?"

"God, that was _so_ fun." Pinch long forgotten now, a dreamy sigh escaped him. "The sushi there was so fuckin' good, too."

For a long, awful moment, Kakashi felt like shit. He knew he wasn't like Yamato—kind, generous, good at remembering important things—but that knowledge didn't help much when he considered their praises. Yamato had been their team leader for one mission, but Kakashi had known them for almost a decade, and yet he wasn't sure he even _knew_ when any of their birthdays were and never seemed to be there for the big events. To his credit, he'd been away much of the last two years, but on the other side of that same token, he couldn't remember if he had gone out of his way to buy them gifts or treat them to anything. Ever.

He neatly filed those thoughts and feelings away for another time—not only did he find them uncomfortable, but perhaps they could be of use at some point in the future. If he were good at anything, it was strategizing.

"Is food all you think about?" Sakura chided with a laugh, already knowing the answer.

"I can't help it! I'm hungry!" Naruto leaned outward, arching his neck to look around front again. "And if _someone_ would stop for _five minutes,_ we could _finally_ get something to eat!"

"Sorry," Kakashi could hear Daisuke say, either tired or nervous or a delicate combination of the two. "But the next village isn't for at least another hour, even on foot."

"Ugh. This is stupid as shit. Yamato-taichou wouldn't stand for this…this…malnourishment." Grumpily, Naruto hugged the side of the carriage, hair catching some of the wind while they kept moving.

"Knowing him, he probably would have packed sandwiches or something."

"Don't even talk about sandwiches right now, Sakura-chan. My stomach is about to eat itself." A miserable gurgle, loud enough to hear over the clopping of the horses, punctuated his statement.

"Come sit down and read or something. You know, distract yourself so you don't die of starvation." She arched a playful pink eyebrow at Kakashi. "I'm sure our esteemed team leader could lend you some Icha Icha for a few hours."

"Hell no. I'd rather keep playing I Spy with that loser up front."

Kakashi scoffed under his breath at that. "I'm disappointed in both of you," he drawled, flipping to the next page in one smooth flick.

"We could play Go Fish," Sakura suggested, already reaching into her pack. "I brought cards."

"Are you really gonna stop studying for that?" Naruto opened the door from the inside and swung himself in, plopping down on the other side of her legs by Kakashi.

"Like I could concentrate with you whining for the next hour." She tossed the pack of cards to Kakashi, who deftly caught them in his hand. "Shuffle those, please."

He set his book down on the bench beside him—it was too bad, too; he was just getting to the juicy part. Then he did as she asked and dealt the cards between the three of them, reasoning that a few rounds to pass the time couldn't hurt anyone.

.

.

.

"Sakura-chaaan!" Naruto wailed, weaving mostly unsuccessfully through people in the street as he walked backwards and flapped his hands out toward Sakura. "Just fix them already! I can't even pick up a skewer and they _hurt._ So bad. Please?"

She chewed this over for a few moments as they strolled down the main road of town. Daisuke had moved a noticeable few inches away from her, eyes wide and glued the limp, swollen purple fingers on Naruto's un-bandaged hand, all set in slightly odd angles.

"You'll heal quickly enough," she finally said. "Besides, they're probably just bruised."

Kakashi chuckled but not loud enough to encourage her. "If you don't heal him, you'll have to feed him."

"Nonsense." Her face was full of mock sweetness, her tone dripping with the same. "There are two other perfectly capable ninja here to do just that."

He laughed again, mostly to himself, tickled by Naruto's obvious upset. "Daisuke-kun, I leave it to you."

"Me?" The already pale ninja blanched even further. "But—but I have to go and feed the horses, Kakashi-san…"

"Aw, come on," Sakura sang, retaining the same faux politeness. "What's one more animal?"

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto half-groaned, half-screamed. "I'm _sorry,_ okay?!"

"Sorry for what, exactly?"

Kakashi almost kept walking when she slowed to a stop, but decided to stay for the show. Naruto looked a little worried at Sakura's expectant expression, his arms hanging like boiled noodles moving gently back and forth at his sides.

"I won't call baa-chan a big titty bitch anymore, okay?" he mumbled from the side of his mouth.

"I didn't even hear you say that," Sakura said, blinking a few times. "But—anyway. What else?"

Naruto thought for a few seconds, then sighed, embarrassed. "I'm sorry for calling you ugly when I didn't win _._ You're really pretty and beautiful and I love you a lot."

"And?"

"And...uh...sorry for using some of your textbook pages as toilet paper." He fussed at the back of his head with the heel of his palm, spiking his bright hair to an even messier degree.

 _"And?"_

" _And_ I'm sorry the most for calling you a sad excuse for a medic. I was just messin' with you." He sighed impatiently, legs bouncing where he stood. "Can you _please_ just heal my fingers up now?"

She stood there for a moment, mouth pressed into a hard line, and then seemed to give a little. "I'll see what I can do. You know, since I'm a sad excuse for a medic and all."

"Okay good."

Sakura's fists went to rest at her hips. "There's one other thing you have to apologize for first."

Immediately overwhelmed and frustrated, and probably tired from wracking his brain so much, Naruto's back hunched to an almost unnatural degree. "What _now!"_

"Nothing." She grinned like a cat, satisfied, just a little victorious. "I just wanted to see what else you could come up with."

"You're mean," he grumbled. As usual, the sentiment didn't stick—he moved forward to lean over Sakura with his elbows on her shoulders, his height seeming to swallow her, and Kakashi was momentarily startled by the sight. He could still remember when Sakura was the tallest of his three students. "I'm starving. Can we finally get some food now?"

"Um, sorry to interrupt," Daisuke suddenly piped up from behind her, "but I'm going to go…uh…wait with the carriage."

"You don't want to eat with us?" Sakura asked, now with more genuinely interest.

"I'll just grab something small. I'm not very hungry." He was backing away, slowly, inch by inch, and Kakashi smiled to himself.

"We can bring you back something, if you want."

"Really, it's fine. I promise." Daisuke waved, running an awkward hand through his hair, halfway turned to walk back the way they came. "I'll meet you all back there."

"Okay then." Sakura waved back, then shrugged Naruto's arms away to grab one of his gnarled hands, inducing a short, pained screech of protest. "Don't worry about us. I've got these two."

That seemed to be all the chuunin needed to hear; he nearly broke into a ran the second she said the words, trotting through the small crowd down the main road.

Naruto cast a suspicious glance at the retreating figure. "What do you think that weirdo's up to?"

"I think he's a little scared of us," Kakashi replied, not bothering to mask his delight at the kid's absence. _Perfect._

"Have a little sympathy, guys," Sakura chided, hand glowing green with chakra where it held Naruto's, and started walking again. "It's not easy dealing with either one of you, let alone at the same time."

Kakashi chuckled and followed, falling into step behind them as Naruto complained about her logic and dodged some loading carts passing by. While there wasn't much going on around this relatively small village as a whole, the main street buzzed with activity. There were stands lining the road, some full of handmade pottery and clothing, some with bunches of dried flowers hanging from their signs, some with steam rising from where dumplings and fish cakes were being cooked by little old ladies.

He wasn't sure exactly where they were—most small villages, no matter the country, tended to share the same features and qualities—but there were elements of their surroundings that hinted they were closer to the border, if just by a bit. There were more fish in the open markets here than in Konoha, and the air was thinner, cooler, with a very faint brininess at its edges. He wondered exactly how close they'd gotten to the coast.

When Sakura ducked into a small restaurant, Kakashi pulled his map from a pocket inside his flak vest, twirling it in his fingers as the three of them sat at a table by the window.

"Oh," she said, standing up, "I guess we're supposed to order at the counter. What do you guys want?"

"Uh." Kakashi glanced at the menu on the board across the room, his eyes immediately landing on the biggest text. "Somen."

"Okay. Naruto?" When she looked to find him squinting almost comically at the board, she finally let go of his hand, which was now back to a normal color. "Actually, never mind—I probably have a good idea."

His childlike grin stretched over his face. "Heh, I guess you do."

"Sakura," Kakashi called when she stepped away. "Can you get them to point out where we are?"

She only stared skeptically at the map he was extending toward her. He resisted the urge to give her one of his infamous eye smiles.

"I just want to see how far we've gone. Not traveling on foot tends to throw me off a little."

She seemed to buy that. Mostly.

"Sure," she agreed, lingering for a second before she took the scroll and went to join the small line of customers.

"Ahhh." He glanced across the table to find Naruto, chin cradled in his newly healed palm, eyes closed as he faced the open window beside him where a breeze passed through. "Feels kinda good outside."

"Hmm," he hummed in reply, feeling the short wind settle over his own heavy eyelids.

"I wish we didn't have to ride in that stupid-ass carriage. I just wanna run." Despite Naruto's relatively calm expression, Kakashi could feel his leg bouncing restlessly beneath the table. "This is way more boring than you said it was gonna be, you know."

He held his gloved hands in front of him, feigning innocence. "I made no promises."

"That's not even true! You said if I was bored I should come with you!" Naruto's tone went pouty and sour in the exact way it used to when he was twelve. "If it's gonna be like this the whole time, then you owe me some fun, sensei."

 _Perfect,_ Kakashi thought to himself again. Things seemed to be lining up just right. It was time to pull out the big guns.

"Have you ever been to the beach, Naruto?"

He thought about that for a moment, not seeming to take note of the subject change. "Nuh-uh. Or at least I don't think so." He squinted out the window. "Ero-sennin might have taken me once to look at girls, but I don't really remember…"

"Well," Kakashi drawled, tracing a ring of leftover condensation on the table, "do you want to go?"

Naruto stared at him as if he'd grown another head. "To the beach?"

"Yup."

"… _Now?"_

"Yup." At Naruto's panicked glance toward the counter, Kakashi added, "After lunch, I mean."

"Oh, okay. Then yeah. Hell yeah." As quickly as he warmed up to the idea, however, Naruto cooled down considerably, dark golden eyebrows furrowing his forehead. "What about Sakura-chan, though?"

This newfound sense of responsibility in his former student, however small, was so new to Kakashi that he wondered if the shock would ever wear off. "What do you mean?"

"Like…did she say it was okay?" He scratched the back of his head. "Does she even _know?"_

Kakashi's eyelids drooped. This whole not-being-as-easy-as-he'd-thought thing was becoming a rather unsavory trend.

"Don't worry, Naruto-kun," he said jovially, turning his eyes up into half-moons instead. "I'll figure something out."

The excitement finally made its way into Naruto's expression. Thankfully he was still easy enough to convince when it came to the usual mischief.

"Damn, sensei," he practically cheered, teeth glinting when he smiled, "I love when you get all sneaky like this!"

Kakashi leaned back against the booth. "I do my best."

"Whatever you're talking about, I'm already doubtful." Sakura slid into the seat beside Naruto, unrolling the map to spread it out over the table. "Here you go."

Kakashi appraised the map and found where it had been marked with their current location. It seemed they were almost halfway between Konoha and the coast, which was essentially where their country's border met with Water's. Apparently the carriage was faster than he'd been thinking—though it wasn't nearly as fast as going on foot. If they left within the hour and ran the whole way, they'd probably make it to the coastal towns by nightfall or shortly after.

"Sakura," Kakashi began, still looking at the map, "have you ever been to the beach?"

"I have, actually…once, when I was little. It was pretty nice."

He glanced up to find Sakura pensive. His expression was the same dry, straight one he usually wore, but the second she noticed his eyes on her she narrowed her own back at him.

"Ohhh no. No."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows at her, trying to emulate one of his dogs.

"No, Kakashi. We're _not_ going off course."

He looked to Naruto, who took a second to get the hint but immediately made his own puppy-dog face at her, eyes wide and blue as his arms wrapped around one of hers. She stared back for a full minute, her eyebrow twitching hard enough to move her forehead seal, and then let out a resounding sigh.

"God damnit."

.

.

.

One bowl of ramen, two servings of somen, and three shadow clones later, they were headed to the coast full speed ahead. Daisuke, none the wiser, was still driving the cart to the southernmost point of the country, on his way to catch a government-mandated boat that would take them straight to the outskirts of Kirigakure. Kakashi wasn't sure how long their kage bunshin would last as a cover—maybe an hour at the _very_ most—but it would be long enough to make a successful getaway.

Naruto spent his energy hollering and backflipping through the trees, while Sakura, for the most part, was more inclined to enjoy the freedom in silence. Either that or she was pissed at them for dragging her into their scheme. But something in the way she held herself, all loose shoulders and light steps, let Kakashi rest a bit easier.

It took all afternoon and part of the evening, but the sight of the forests gradually thinning was a welcome one, and the tinge of thick, salty air lingered over them despite the sun having been down for about two hours. Once he spotted the crudely made wooden sign stuck at a fork in the path and could just barely hear the sounds of the ocean in the distance, he knew they were in the right place.

It was too dark to see any of the shoreline once they made their way into town—most people kept their lights off or curtains drawn at night to prevent any sea turtles or other animals from washing ashore, and the city regulations seemed to be the same in that regard. But the cool temperature, intensely pleasant after a day of running in the summer heat, and the crisp scent of the sea were enough to make the effort worth it.

They found a hotel easily enough; there was an old wooden inn at the end of a row of shops about a block away from the beach which thankfully was still open at this hour. Naruto could hardly contain himself as the deep roar of the waves grew louder with each step forward.

"C'mon," he kept saying, nearly panting with excitement like one of the ninken, "let's go check it out! We spent all day rushing to get here, so we might as well enjoy it."

"You won't be able to see anything," Sakura reminded him with a laugh. "Plus there's hardly any beach to walk on with the tide this high."

"Not to mention we're relatively close to Whirlpool," Kakashi added, hands in his pockets and legs feeling strange in their stillness after so many straight hours of motion. "The riptide here can be deadly."

Naruto, now dejected, took to trudging into the inn, sliding the front door back with slumped shoulders. "You guys are boring. Seriously."

Kakashi patted his head like he would a golden retriever. "It'll still be there tomorrow, Naruto."

"Yeah, yeah."

He entered the hotel lobby after them, which was hardly big enough to hold the three of them, let alone be considered a lobby. It was only a wood-paneled hallway with a counter, really, dimly lit by a yellow bug light and surrounded by bulletin boards overloaded with crinkled flyers and coupons. A tan, sun-spotted woman sat behind it reading a newspaper with a pen in her mouth. Behind her was a rainbow of cheap beach equipment hanging from the ceiling.

"You three sure are late getting in," she greeted from her post, glancing at them from over her reading glasses. "What can I do you for?"

"Do you have any rooms available?" Kakashi asked, walking a few steps to lean against the counter and fish out his wallet. There was plenty of cushion in the budget for them to each have their own.

"Yeah. One."

 _Oh._ The slight surprise must have shown on his face—he heard her chuckle knowingly.

"Sorry, hon. You hit us in the middle of our busiest season." The woman swiped a key from a holder on the wall, the only one still on its hook, and twirled it on her finger. "This should be big enough for all of you, though."

"We'll manage." They were active ninja—they'd surely shared tighter quarters than a single hotel room, if not with each other then elsewhere. He handed her enough cash for the deposit, which she took in exchange for the keys. "Thank you."

"Need any help with your luggage?" she asked, and all three of them paused. He heard a small smack and turned to find Sakura with her palm on her forehead. Naruto stood behind her, face scrunched, sucking in air through his teeth.

"Oh." Kakashi laughed sheepishly, scratching behind his ear. "I think we forgot our packs..."

"That's…probably being generous," Sakura countered, mumbling expletives to herself. "I don't know if we thought that far ahead."

"Here," the woman smirked drolly, pulling out a package of new toothbrushes and toothpaste from a drawer. "This happens more often than you'd think. There are plenty of shops on this street with some good cheap clothes and things, but they won't open 'til the morning."

Naruto ambled up to the counter, staring with intent at the toiletries. "I call the blue one."

"I've got some yukata back here too." She was already rummaging through a bin set beneath some folded beach chairs. "They're a little worn out, but they're cleaner than what you've got on."

Kakashi subconsciously brushed at his sleeves, rolling them up to his elbow in neat folds. Running at top speed through the forest meant any part of him was fair game for wood chips, pine needles, and tree sap to get stuck on. He picked a few leaves out of an otherwise oblivious Naruto's hair before the woman turned around again, sliding a stack of dull, folded cotton robes toward them as well as some pilled white towels.

"There's some shampoo and soap in the bathrooms," she said. "Girl's washroom is on the third floor, boy's is on the fourth. The hot water's only on for another twenty minutes so you'd better go on and head upstairs."

"Thank you so much." Sakura took the items into her arms with polite embarrassment. Kakashi and Naruto followed her dutifully, walking up the staircase to the left of the counter.

They found their room on the second floor. Despite the hour, the hotel seemed rather upbeat, the halls barely lit but full of noise from muffled conversations and laughter behind each door. Their corner seemed a bit quieter, perhaps because it was at the end of the hallway.

Sakura went ahead to shower and left the two guys to scope out the room, which was about the same size as Naruto's bathroom back in Konoha. The walls were a faded neutral beige; the furniture consisted of a nightstand, a light fixture on the ceiling, a generic picture hanging a bit crookedly on the wall, and a not-quite-king-sized bed in the center—or, rather, filling almost the entire space. There was only enough room to step around it. It would have been a stuffy little closet without the screened window on the opposite wall, propped open to circulate the air and let in the refreshing sea breeze.

"Well, this is…cozy."

"You got that right." Naruto jumped onto the bed, reclining onto the quilt-covered mattress. "You can sleep on the floor, Kakashi-sensei."

"What floor?" He put his foot into Naruto's side, only stretching the wide, toothy grin on the kid's face. "Don't get too excited. Sakura and I get first dibs."

"Says who?!"

"I don't recall you getting promoted to jounin," he drawled, moving to shed his vest, gloves, and pack by the nightstand. In fact, he couldn't remember if Naruto had taken the chuunin exams either, but that wasn't all that important.

"I'm in ANBU!" Naruto sat up, reclining on his elbows. "Doesn't that count for anything?"

"Sure it does." Kakashi took off his black sweater, then pointed to his tattoo. "Seniority rules."

He flopped back onto the bed, settling onto his stomach with a long groan that reverberated off the walls. "I'm gonna go ahead and fall asleep. You can't stop me—AH! What the fuck?!"

Kakashi chuckled, whirling the towel around his fist. Anything could be a pretty effective weapon when one was resourceful.

"Let's go shower. You're getting the bed dirty."

"The only thing dirty here is you, you old bastard." Rubbing his butt with a pronounced pout, Naruto grabbed his robe and towel and trudged out of the room.

Kakashi unfortunately got to the men's washroom after Naruto—since there was only one shower stall, he caught the tail end of the hot water stream. He'd endured worse conditions than a little cold water, though, so it wasn't that bad. Without air conditioning in the hotel it was actually a relief.

He toweled himself dry afterward, put on his undershirt—a necessary provision, of course—and underwear—he was glad he'd thought to store an extra pair in his flak jacket—then slipped on the yukata, a faded green garment that was thinning at the elbows and hips where the obi tied. He padded down the stairs and through the hallway back to the room, expecting to find Naruto ready to exact his revenge for earlier.

Instead, all Kakashi found was him lying face-down in the middle of the bed, snoring softly, while Sakura was situated on the left by the lamp and reading a rather tiny book. Her hair was wet, the damp tendrils in a loose braid over her shoulder. She turned to find him standing at the end of the bed and suddenly she snorted.

"Nice outfit."

He frowned mildly. "We're wearing the same thing."

"You have that undershirt thing on, though. It looks kind of silly."

When her attention went back to her book, he went and did some fuinjutsu, putting seals on the window and door just in case. "It's practical."

"Practical my ass. Naruto's going to try and peel your mask off the first chance he gets." She scribbled a note in the book. Did she _ever_ stop working?

"And you aren't?" He sat on the edge of the bed, leveling a dry stare at her, and she rolled her eyes without even having to look.

"I have more important things to worry about. Like making sure we actually _get_ to Kirigakure." She paused to write more. "And making sure you get your job." Another pause. "And keeping mine in the process."

"Don't worry about all that." His hand waved flippantly. "Tsunade will pin anything that happens on me."

That earned a smirk from Sakura, as he knew it would. "Well, you've already got one demerit. Are there any more nefarious plans I should know about?"

"Just getting a nice tan, as far as I know."

"With that thing on?" She nodded her head in his direction, indicating his mask. "I bet you have a really bizarre tan line by now."

"I have lots of bizarre tan lines," he retorted, wiggling an eyebrow for effect. "If you're lucky, you might see some while we're here."

She reached over to flick his arm with the eraser end of her pencil, her mouth curving into a puckered smile all the while. It was a playful look—pretty cute, even, he'd admit—but her bangs hid most of it when she went back to her reading. "I think you've read enough Icha Icha for today. Go to bed."

"Doctor's orders," he sighed, pretending to be scolded. "Goodnight, Sakura."

"Night."

Kakashi moved to the other side of the bed, sliding on his back over the top of the covers beside Naruto. The room was warm but calm and quiet, save for the deep snores by his ear, and he found himself falling asleep even with the lamp still on.

.

* * *

a/n: I'm ALIVE! (barely! ! !) it's been a busy few months so I'm sorry for the lapse in updates.

I'm titling chapters now, so that's a thing. this entire fic is essentially one big inside joke between me and my pseudo-beta/butt buddy scrungie so the titles probably won't make much sense, but...yeah. not making sense seems to be a theme with this fic.

life is really hectic right now, so I can't make any promises about when I'll update. just know that I will eventually. reviews and comments are appreciated as always and I love all of you who do.


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